Bee Season!

Guess what happens at 8PM Eastern on ABC this Thursday! No, I'm not going to tell you--I want you to guess. Anyone? Okay, fine: the Scripps National Spelling Bee! Yay! Some intriguing background on these dorky little munchkins:

- This year we welcome 293 spellers— the greatest number in the history of the event.
- The spellers range in age from 9 to 15 years old, but two-thirds are either 13 or 14 years old.
- The spellers' favorite words include Weissnichtwo and humuhumunukunukuapuaa.

The best is the looks on the kids faces when they got words they don't know, like "parfleche" (a rawhide with the hair removed by soaking it in water and lye). They are like "wtf, how am I supposed to know what a parfleche is?" So cute.

For a little background, I suggest watching this video of my personal favorite speller, Rebecca Sealfon.

Khloe Kardashian has lost of a lot of weight

It seems that Khloe has taken stepfather Bruce's advice to "lose a little weight". Below, find a photo of her (via the Superficial) looking like she has dropped a good 10-15 lbs.


Why is this news, you ask? Um, it's not, clearly. Who said that it was? It's the Tuesday after a holiday weekend, give me a break.

Grant Study results interesting, good way to kill time at work

This new essay, recently published in the Atlantic, is absolutely fantastic. David Brooks' column in the Times tipped me off to it, and fortunately I don't do shit at work anymore so I had the time to read it.

"What Makes Us Happy?" reports on some of the results of the Grant Study, a 70+ year-old longitudinal survey of nearly 300 former Harvard students and their lives and circumstances. Many of its results are paradoxical. For example: did you know that positive emotions make us more vulnerable than negative ones? Or that most of us can't "tolerate being loved"? Huh. Fancy that!

Anyway, I highly recommend it for anyone who has twenty minutes to kill. Its description of the Grant Study is super-interesting (JFK was one of the participants!), as is its profile of the study's current administrator, George Valliant. Go! Read it!!

Escaped cow gets new home!

Molly (pictured above), whom you may remember as the escaped cow from the Queens slaughterhouse, was transported to her new home in Suffolk County today amid much fanfare and hay-tossing. City Room blog has the inside scoop on her new life from her adoptive parents:

“She can eat some good organic hay and hang around with a lot of her friends,” Mr. Farr said. “She can eat and sleep for the rest of her life. She is not going anywhere. The bottom line is she will have a very good home.”

Normally I'm a little skeptical when I hear of a beloved animal being sent to a "farm upstate" where it can "run and play", but the article included a picture and lots of official-sounding quotes from city representatives, so it sounded pretty legit. Good for you, Molly! Awwwww.

The most celebrities, EVER

Holy muffins, it's the Met Gala! This annual event is the most celebrity-filled get-together in probably the entire universe and has a purpose about which I have absolutely no clue. Check out the Cut's slideshow of just a few of the famous people who attended.

Look at all of 'em! What master of the universe could have brought all of these minor and not-so-minor celebrities together under the same roof? God? Allah? Diddy? All I know is that I must attend next year; I just must. Get on it, people!

Developing: Sean Hannity's adventures in Waterworld

The problem with never watching Fox News is that you occassionally miss out on some really quality ridiculousness, like this clip, in which Sean Hannity offers to be waterboarded "for charity". Hmmm.



Wow, Charles Grodin is a total ballbreaker! Good for him! I guess I should've known, what with how he beat down that evil veterinarian in Beethoven and all. But Grodin's ballsiness aside, the real story here is Sean Hannity's faux-offer to be waterboarded. I'm going to go ahead and assume he wouldn't really do it, since Keith Olbermann immediately offered him $1,000 a second to go through with it and that was six days ago, but I'm glad this was caught on tape. Hopefully this story will get enough coverage that Hannity is forced to either apologize or at least participate in some sort of dunk tank. I've heard they melt if they get wet.

When MSNBC makes dick jokes, it sounds intellectual

But when I do it, it's immature? Unfair. Anyway, this video of MSNBC's David Shuster is freaking hilarious. Pay close attention; these are some of the best teabagging-related double entendres ever made on cable news:



Ahahaha. That last line is classic. I'm very impressed with MSNBC and Countdown; I thought the burden of making these obvious jokes would inevitably fall on Comedy Central and The Daily Show. Kudos to MSNBC execs for having a sense of humor!

God wants to be more like Diddy

I gotta give props to the NYT for bringing this eclesi-tastic bit of news to my attention: God is now on Twitter! He must have heard about all the good PR tweeting has been generating for Diddy, and I guess God was all, "well if Diddy can do it..." A snippet of the tweetslation of the Stations of the Cross:

via @Mary_Mother_Of: They sealed his tomb at dusk. The stone stands between us, and I can’t leave. I am an old woman now, lost in the dark.22 minutes ago from GroupTweet

via @romanguard1: I've got dibs on his robe, but if you guys want to cast lots for the rest of his clothes I'm cool with that.36 minutes ago from GroupTweet

I always suspected the Roman guards were chiller than they were portrayed in the Bible. They didn't want to betray you, J, but they gots to get paid. You feel me?

The blogosphere finally embraces me

Last night I had an "OMGOMGOMG" moment when I googled myself and discovered my very own name on somebody else's blog. I was even tagged! I am now a tag. Wow. I, I just, I feel so much... love right now.

Yes We Carve

The author references my pumpkin submission to YesWeCarve.com, which as you may recall I also mentioned here, on my blog. So this means that somebody else blogged on their blog about a blog post that I also blogged about on my blog. Woah. Bloooogggggg.

Ouch-choo

The NY Daily News reports today on Prax Sanchez, a 72-year old Colorado resident who recently discovered that he had a one-inch long nail lodged in his sinus cavity. Said nail had been chilling up there for upwards of 30 years without Sanchez's knowledge, and it was only dislodged after a painful MRI and what I expect was a stronger-than-usual cough.

In itself, this story isn't too interesting. I'm sure there's tons of shit lodged in most of us that we don't know about. Thankfully, the diligent reporters over at the NYDN took the time to investigate this growing phenomenon and compile a wonderful slideshow of 27 (!) other freaky things lodged in people's noses/throats/body cavities/you can only imagine where else. Not for the faint of heart.

Au Revoir, Roquefort?

A long-standing trade dispute between the U.S. and the EU, if not resolved soon, will soon lead to higher tariffs on imported goods from Europe, according to the WSJ. The levies, as they often do, fall hardest on the most vulnerable and delicious of victims.

Perhaps no group is as worried as fans of Roquefort, the only item on which the duty rate is slated to rise to 300%. (The rest are bracketed to rise to 100%.)

Cowgirl Creamery of Point Reyes Station, Calif., has ordered 30 extra wheels of Roquefort, said co-founder Sue Conley. The company began carrying more domestic cheeses last year, when the euro gained strength against the dollar, and Ms. Conley has several domestic alternatives to Roquefort in mind.

I don't know if I even like Roquefort that much, and I guess switching to domestic products is sort of the whole idea of a tariff, but a 300% tax on cheese just seems unfair. What did cheese ever do to us (minor intestinal disruptions notwithstanding)? I personally am rushing out the door right now to stock up on my beloved English cheddar and Italian mozzarella, before the goatied foody hoardes beat me to it.

New Fave Trend: Gossipy WSJ Articles

Ever since the credit crisis began, the gossip factor of the WSJ articles chronicling it has been rising steadily. From the inner workings of Vikram Pandit's twisted mind to Timothy Geithner's private pain, the WSJ is there to dramatize every moment. Just one example of many: today's article about the automotive restructuring, Detroit's Fate Sealed in West Wing.

In this riveting piece, master storytellers Monica Landley and Neal E. Boudette take us from the hallowed halls of Washington to a dingy Northwest terminal in Detroit. Opening in a "windowless, ornate room", the tale is pure suspense from beginning to end. A selection from later in the piece:

Late in the afternoon, the two executives hurried to the airport and boarded a Northwest flight bound for Detroit. It was a far cry from the days when they flew the corporate jets GM operated out of its own small terminal at the Detroit airport.

They settled into the last row in first class, Mr. Henderson taking the window and Mr. Wagoner the aisle. As the Airbus 319 lifted off, Mr. Henderson occupied himself with the day's newspaper, Mr. Wagoner with reports. The two men said little to each other throughout the one-hour-and-36-minute flight.

Oooooh. You can really feel the tension. And the line harkening back to the days of corporate jets and private terminals? Sentimental gold. I can hardly wait for the next installment!

Mark your calendars, start your engines

April 2, 2009 is fast approaching. "Why should I care?" you ask naiively. For that is the day that TopShop FINALLY opens in NYC, of course!

New York - Topshop USA

I remember when I first heard that TopShop was coming to NYC. It was Summer 2006 and the announcement filled me with cheap chic visions and vintage fashion dreams. But month after month I waited.. and waited.. and I honestly began to doubt that TopShop would ever come. But, lo! The day is upon us! The hour is nigh! TopShop, ho!

When did Twitter get so cool?

It seems like all of a sudden everyone is Twittering. Politicians, celebrities, journalists--you name it. Even old people like John McCain have jumped on the bandwagon. But there is one Twitterer who is clearly out-Tweeting his rivals. That man's name is Diddy:

[In] the past couple weeks Diddy has:
• Tweeted live during a tantric sex session (on the exact same day he reportedly hosted a Rihanna–Chris Brown reunion in his home).
• Taken a bubble bath while holding an Oscar.
• Enjoyed a ride in a stolen car with Jonah Hill and Hype Williams.
• Had a Twitter party to honor the memory of the Notorious B.I.G. on the twelve-year anniversary of his murder.
• Joined Jay Electronica in a 48-hour spiritual fast during which he could drink only natural juices.

This guy Twitters like non-stop. He has at least one tweet almost every hour (does he Twitter in his sleep?) and he's logged seven tweets in the past hour alone (mostly responses to fans). He's even got a Twitter alias--PTwitty. What is going ON????

Bristol Palin ends sham engagement

Shocker! Bristol Palin and "fiance" Levi Johnston have ended their "real, totally not-just-for-TV" relationship for good. People has it on good authority:

The split happened "a few weeks ago," according to a source close to the couple, but it's unclear what precipitated it. "It was a mutual thing," adds the source.

Typically I would be skeptical of information coming from a "source" close to the family, but since these people are pretty trashy it doesn't really surprise me that their good friends would be willing to discuss intimate details of their life with a tabloid. Also, who didn't see this breakup coming a mile away? Come on. And further: Alaska sucks. The end.

Now, wait just a minute...

Imagine my surprise when I opened today's NYTimes Business section and discovered this headline: Stocks Rise on Upbeat Memo From Citigroup. "There must be some mistake," I thought. But no:

[Citi] turned a profit in the first two months of the year, and...its quarterly performance to date, before taxes and special items, was the best since the third quarter of 2007.

At about 2 p.m., the Dow Jones industrial average was up 292 points, or nearly 4.5 percent, while the broader Standard & Poor’s 500-stock index rose 5.2 percent — the biggest gains for the two market indices since late January.

Um.. what? How could this be? Just this morning I read not one but two scathing WSJ articles about how Citi is going down the shitter and that even Ken "lost $1.79 billion in the fourth quarter but hey we were profitable for the full year right?" Lewis is dissing on the ailing bank. Understandably, I'm more than a little suspicious about this upbeat news. After all, "special items" have been known to include everything from volcano insurance to crippling subprime losses. And despite the fact that Citi's stock "surged 23 percent in midmorning trading," 23% of $1 isn't much to brag about. So, Vikram, you've earned the pats on the back I'm sure you'll receive from many in your organization, but I wouldn't hold my breath for that bonus.

OMG pink dolphin!

Spotted: a PINK dolphin! For realz!! Check this guy out:

Only three letters are appropriate here: O, M, and G. I mean, look at it--that isn't a pale shade of sorta, kinda pink; it is BRIGHT, flamingo, TOTALLY pink. Plus, it was found in a lake in Louisiana, which is bizarre in itself. Maybe he or she is donning the wild color in a late celebration of Mardi Gras, or maybe it simply wants to cheer us up during a bad recession. Whatever the reason, I stick by my original statement: OMG pink dolphin!

Wow, the economy really sucks

It seems every day a new government report comes out reminding us how fucked up the economy is. Today's GDP report, however, took that concept one step further: it tells us that the economy is actually even more fucked up than we thought! Yesssss.

Output fell 6.2 percent at an annualized rate in the fourth quarter of 2008, revised downward from a previous estimate of a 3.8 percent decline. The drop was even steeper than many economists had feared — the consensus estimate had been a 5.4 percent decline — and was much lower than the 0.5 percent contraction from the previous quarter.

John Ryding, chief economist at RDQ Economics, described the report as "ghastly". Ouch. Well, at least it can't get much worse, right? WRONG, says John Barbera, chief economist at ITG. His prediction: "this quarter will be at least as bad as the last one."

Can you pinpoint the exact moment when Jindal's political career implodes? Try! It's fun!

Granted I should have posted this a long time ago, but better late than never (I do have a real job, you know). This video response by Bobby Jindal to President Obama's quasi-State of the Union address on Tuesday night is just indescribable. Words fail me.



I mean... wow. You can say a lot of insulting things about this speech: simplistic, poorly-delivered, child-like... but you've got to give it some credit; it does have a good rhythm. Somebody is going to mix this into a sweet dance beat. "College and reitement savings dwindle, windle, indleindleindle".

NY <3 Unemployed Bankers

Now that's a slogan you can put on a t-shirt! Today Mayor Michael Bloomberg unveiled a plan to retrain Wall Street's newly laid off investment bankers, traders, and other assorted sell-side losers:

Under a program Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg unveiled on Wednesday, the city wants to invest $45 million in government money to retrain investment bankers, traders and others who have lost jobs on Wall Street, as well as provide seed capital and office space for new businesses those laid-off bankers might create.

The plan is intended to stem the exodus of talent from the rapidly collapsing financial services industry, which has been the city’s economic engine for decades, and speed the industry’s recovery, which may take years, officials said.

You may have noticed the little "m" before the "illion" in "$45 million"... no, that isn't a typo; Mayor Bloomberg is funding this program with roughly the same budget as that of John Thain's office renovation. (Zing!) So New York loves you, unemployed bankers... just not that much.

Joaquin Phoenix has very uncomfortable interview with Letterman

This video clip has gone viral, man, and I highly recommend you catch the FEVAA.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/11/joaquin-phoenixs-bizarre_n_166229.html

My first reaction, along with everyone else's and probably yours, was: "umm.. he's kidding, right?" Also acceptable: "he is hiiiiigh out of his miiiiind!" and "Letterman is the MAN"

Indulgences are back! (Thank God!)

Remember indulgences? Probably not from personal experience, but from religious history? They were the "get out of Purgatory free" passes handed out to Catholics with enough dough to afford them, back in the pre-reformation days. Well, guess what? They're baaaack!

“Confessions have been down for years and the church is very worried about it,” said the Rev. Tom Reese, a Jesuit and former editor of the Catholic magazine America. In a secularized culture of pop psychology and self-help, he said, “the church wants the idea of personal sin back in the equation. Indulgences are a way of reminding people of the importance of penance.”

“The good news is we’re not selling them anymore,” he added.

You hear that? For a limited time only (through the end of the celebration of St. Paul in June), you can now get your hands on free indulgences. People, this deal will NOT last long. Hurry in to your local church or cathedral and stock up--they're going fast!

It's Westminster Tiiiiiime!

The Westminster Dog Show kicked off today in New York's Madison Square Garden and holy moly that thing must be a shitshow (pun intended). I'm guessing it's an equally if not more insane, wacked-out crazyfest than in the movie Best In Show and it frankly is the only event at MSG that I would care to attend. Below please find a hilarious slideshow provided by the kind folks at Daily Intel.

Puppy-Pampering: the Slideshow!

Behold the poodle's fluffy feet! Marvel at the beagle's eyes filled with sorrow and wisdom! Be slightly freaked out by the prom-night fantasy sado-masochism of the chihuahua! Westminster has got it all.

Serves you right, marketing whores

Ever since reading an article in the WSJ's marketing section about Wrigley commissioning Chris Brown to write "Forever" as a promotional gimmick for Doublemint gum, I have been complaining to anyone who will listen about how annoying it is that radios and clubs have bought into the ridiculous advertising jingle disguised as a song. Today, however, I am vindicated (sort of):

The company [Wrigley] stopped short of saying it was permanently dropping Brown, but said the allegations were too serious to keep running his ad.
"We have made the decision to suspend the current advertising featuring Brown and any related marketing communications until the matter is resolved," a spokeswoman said.

So, Wrigley is ditching Brown and suspending all advertising featuring the irritating "Forever"--sounds like a win-win, right? Well, sort of. Apparently it's because Brown beat Rihanna up pretty badly, and not because his song sucks, that Wrigley is halting the marketing campaign. Wow. That's heavy stuff. But it serves you right, Wrigley! Trying to fool music fans into buying your gum... for shame. It's Fruit Stripe and Fruit Stripe only for me from now on!

I <3 NY (and the NYTimes)

The NYTimes posted a totally adorable photo series by a guy named Christoph Neimann last week and in case you missed it the link is below.

I LEGO N.Y.

Everything from the Whitney to cream cheese with scallions to a plastic bag stuck in a tree branch, in simple yet elegant Lego form. Awwww.

Umm.. Cultural Differences?

Check out this clip from the Japanese version of American Idol. I'm not sure what to say... ummm... oh, those wacky Chinamen!

Fox News, Post react predictably to swearing-in mishap

After Justice Roberts' flub during Tuesday's inaugural swearing-in ceremony, the media exploded in supposition, prognostication, and various forms of mongering. Fox News and the NY Post, as ever, lead the pack in ridiculousness:

The New York Post offered this headline: "Roberts is the Oaf of Office."

And Fox News anchor Chris Wallace said: "We're wondering here whether or not Barack Obama in fact is the president of the United States. They had a kind of garbled oath. It's just conceivable that this will end up going to the courts."

The "Oaf" of Office? Hahaha! Another quality zinger from the people who brought us "Chuck Knobloch-head". And Chris Wallace wondering whether Obama is really the president, despite that the Oath is merely ceremony and Obama officially became president at noon without it? That is soooo Fox News. Aaaahhhh, I feel safe and secure in the knowledge that some things will never change.

Breakingviews read my MIND (or my post)

Remember when I hinted that Rising Unemployment could just be this season's #1 video game hit? Well, Breakingviews must have read my post, because they took my idea and ran with it, albeit in a slightly different direction:

How fast can you lose $50bn? To lighten the winter gloom, we’ve brought you the “Bernie Madoff game”. Pretend you are running a Ponzi scheme. Decide the fictional return you want to promise investors, how much to siphon off for yourself and how long to let the scam run. Then watch the losses mount.

The game itself is a little dull, just a few numbers plugged into a spreadsheet, but its simplicity is startling. All you do is set a return level, plug in losses/disbursements, and watch the losses mount. Really, anyone can do it! Although you probably shouldn't... Thx to DealBook for the tip.

Merchandising history

Given the recent economic slowdown and all the hubbub about how decreasing consumption will lead us into a deep recession, thank goodness for the upcoming inauguration and our culture's crazy obsession with merchandising crap!! NYTimes sheds some light on a few "non-traditional" commemorative items:

Obama sex toys, which will not be described here, are available for $34.95 at one online company. At another, I ♥ Obama Classic Thong Undies are selling for $8.99.

Actually, those aren't the only Obama thongs you can buy. Here you can find a full list of graphical liberal underwear and links to their purchasing websites. In my opinion, they look a little cheap. I was more looking for a thong with the front part being a cut-out of Obama's head, and maybe the back being a full body replica of GWB... but what can you do.

And meow back to John in the newsroom

Check out this weatherguy! After enduring decades of cat-free weather reporting, he decided to end the oppression:



I like how he not only picks the cat up, but also nuzzles him quite overtly. Me-ow is right. You go, weatherguy!

Thx CuteOverload; you're the bestest. Heart!

Remember these guys?

Last night while watching a National Geographic Channel documentary on the "new" Black Panthers (in HD! yeaaaahh!), I was reminded of some other aggressively anti-white crusaders from my past. Remember "Real Jews are Black"???



They don't come to the Upper East Side anymore. I guess it's true what they say: you can never really go home again :( :( :(.

Unemployment hits 16-year high

Well, that's depressing news. But just how bad is it? The NYTimes provides a lovely slideshow on its front page to help us understand the crisis:

I gotta say... Rising Unemployment looks like a kinda cool video game. Down we go! Weeee! Which exciting boss will we encounter once we reach the employment dungeon? Recessionary Koopa? Or will it be the evil Depression von Koopa? Graphics make unemployment fun!!

Road to the Doghouse

On yesterday's Daily Show, which was technically Monday's Daily Show (I DVR it.. who stays up past 11pm?), Jon Stewart introduced a new segment entitled "Road to the Doghouse" about choosing the new first pup. CNN anchor Anderson Cooper (swoon) hosted the first Puppedential Debate:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Road to the Doghouse - Puppedential Debate

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

The Huffinton Post reports that this was an actual CNN skit, and that Stewart simply excerpted and mocked it on the show. However, a search of CNN.com turns up no results for "puppedential debate" and Stewart clearly states during that clip that "we got Anderson Cooper to do that". Check your sources next time, Huffington! Who's the #1 blogger now, bitchessss?????

Erickson to Burris: No Senate seat for you!

In Totally Obvious News, Secretary of the Senate Nancy Erickson has rejected Roland Burris' appointment to the Senate. (In case you don't already know, Burris is the guy selected by Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to replace Obama in the Senate, and Blagojevich is being charged with trying to sell that seat to the highest bidder. Geez, am I really your only news source??) Hilariously, though, none of these developments phase Burris in the least.

What has been done here is legal. That's legal. I am the junior senator from Illinois, and I wish my colleagues and the press would recognize that," [Burris] said.

He said he plans to appear at the chamber door Tuesday, even though he expects to be denied entry.

Burris said he was surprised by all of the controversy surrounding the appointment.

Now I'm no fancy, big-city politician, but something about this story just doesn't make sense to me. How could Burris possibly be surprised by the controversy? The reason Erickson couldn't seat him is because the Illinois Secretary of State, Jesse White, refused to sign the certificate of appointment. And Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (the majority leader, for goshssakes!) called the appointment "tainted". So either Burris a. isn't up on his political news (probably a disqualification) or b. is an idiot (definitely a disqualification). So what's it gonna be, B?

Joan Rivers reflects on Madoff scandal

We've all heard about the Madoff scandal and the people whose lives it has touched/ruined, but it took yesterday's NYTimes Magazine interview with Joan Rivers to explain what it really means.

Rivers: I’m pleading with you, please say, “She lost a bundle with Bernie Madoff.”
NYT: Did you?
Rivers: No, but everybody is walking around now saying that, and that shows that you used to be very rich.

So look on the bright side, people! Losing millions of dollars in a pyramid scheme can be a good thing! At least you had millions of dollars, which is more than most of us can say, you (formerly) rich (probably) greedy bastard. Thx to Daily Intel for the tip.

I'm Baaaaaack

Hello, my little bloglings! Did you miss me while I was on vacay? I know, I know. It's tough when your favorite blogger takes some time off. Fortunately, absolutely nothing happened while I was gone, so you didn't miss anything! Phewph.

Well, I'm back now. So... news: Commence!