I never though I'd write a post about Heidi Montag...

..but her escapades have finally surpassed disgusting and reached grotesque proportions, and I can no longer ignore her pathetic, wimpering cries for attention. Check out these side-by-side photos from People (via The Superficial) to see what I'm getting at.


You know, I feel partly responsible for this. If I had known that she was going to find a little nickname like Chinasaurus Rex offensive, then I would have just stuck with Tits McGee and let that be that. Oh well, hindsight...

Escaped cow gets new home!

Molly (pictured above), whom you may remember as the escaped cow from the Queens slaughterhouse, was transported to her new home in Suffolk County today amid much fanfare and hay-tossing. City Room blog has the inside scoop on her new life from her adoptive parents:

“She can eat some good organic hay and hang around with a lot of her friends,” Mr. Farr said. “She can eat and sleep for the rest of her life. She is not going anywhere. The bottom line is she will have a very good home.”

Normally I'm a little skeptical when I hear of a beloved animal being sent to a "farm upstate" where it can "run and play", but the article included a picture and lots of official-sounding quotes from city representatives, so it sounded pretty legit. Good for you, Molly! Awwwww.

God wants to be more like Diddy

I gotta give props to the NYT for bringing this eclesi-tastic bit of news to my attention: God is now on Twitter! He must have heard about all the good PR tweeting has been generating for Diddy, and I guess God was all, "well if Diddy can do it..." A snippet of the tweetslation of the Stations of the Cross:

via @Mary_Mother_Of: They sealed his tomb at dusk. The stone stands between us, and I can’t leave. I am an old woman now, lost in the dark.22 minutes ago from GroupTweet

via @romanguard1: I've got dibs on his robe, but if you guys want to cast lots for the rest of his clothes I'm cool with that.36 minutes ago from GroupTweet

I always suspected the Roman guards were chiller than they were portrayed in the Bible. They didn't want to betray you, J, but they gots to get paid. You feel me?

Ouch-choo

The NY Daily News reports today on Prax Sanchez, a 72-year old Colorado resident who recently discovered that he had a one-inch long nail lodged in his sinus cavity. Said nail had been chilling up there for upwards of 30 years without Sanchez's knowledge, and it was only dislodged after a painful MRI and what I expect was a stronger-than-usual cough.

In itself, this story isn't too interesting. I'm sure there's tons of shit lodged in most of us that we don't know about. Thankfully, the diligent reporters over at the NYDN took the time to investigate this growing phenomenon and compile a wonderful slideshow of 27 (!) other freaky things lodged in people's noses/throats/body cavities/you can only imagine where else. Not for the faint of heart.

Au Revoir, Roquefort?

A long-standing trade dispute between the U.S. and the EU, if not resolved soon, will soon lead to higher tariffs on imported goods from Europe, according to the WSJ. The levies, as they often do, fall hardest on the most vulnerable and delicious of victims.

Perhaps no group is as worried as fans of Roquefort, the only item on which the duty rate is slated to rise to 300%. (The rest are bracketed to rise to 100%.)

Cowgirl Creamery of Point Reyes Station, Calif., has ordered 30 extra wheels of Roquefort, said co-founder Sue Conley. The company began carrying more domestic cheeses last year, when the euro gained strength against the dollar, and Ms. Conley has several domestic alternatives to Roquefort in mind.

I don't know if I even like Roquefort that much, and I guess switching to domestic products is sort of the whole idea of a tariff, but a 300% tax on cheese just seems unfair. What did cheese ever do to us (minor intestinal disruptions notwithstanding)? I personally am rushing out the door right now to stock up on my beloved English cheddar and Italian mozzarella, before the goatied foody hoardes beat me to it.

Now, wait just a minute...

Imagine my surprise when I opened today's NYTimes Business section and discovered this headline: Stocks Rise on Upbeat Memo From Citigroup. "There must be some mistake," I thought. But no:

[Citi] turned a profit in the first two months of the year, and...its quarterly performance to date, before taxes and special items, was the best since the third quarter of 2007.

At about 2 p.m., the Dow Jones industrial average was up 292 points, or nearly 4.5 percent, while the broader Standard & Poor’s 500-stock index rose 5.2 percent — the biggest gains for the two market indices since late January.

Um.. what? How could this be? Just this morning I read not one but two scathing WSJ articles about how Citi is going down the shitter and that even Ken "lost $1.79 billion in the fourth quarter but hey we were profitable for the full year right?" Lewis is dissing on the ailing bank. Understandably, I'm more than a little suspicious about this upbeat news. After all, "special items" have been known to include everything from volcano insurance to crippling subprime losses. And despite the fact that Citi's stock "surged 23 percent in midmorning trading," 23% of $1 isn't much to brag about. So, Vikram, you've earned the pats on the back I'm sure you'll receive from many in your organization, but I wouldn't hold my breath for that bonus.

OMG pink dolphin!

Spotted: a PINK dolphin! For realz!! Check this guy out:

Only three letters are appropriate here: O, M, and G. I mean, look at it--that isn't a pale shade of sorta, kinda pink; it is BRIGHT, flamingo, TOTALLY pink. Plus, it was found in a lake in Louisiana, which is bizarre in itself. Maybe he or she is donning the wild color in a late celebration of Mardi Gras, or maybe it simply wants to cheer us up during a bad recession. Whatever the reason, I stick by my original statement: OMG pink dolphin!

Can you pinpoint the exact moment when Jindal's political career implodes? Try! It's fun!

Granted I should have posted this a long time ago, but better late than never (I do have a real job, you know). This video response by Bobby Jindal to President Obama's quasi-State of the Union address on Tuesday night is just indescribable. Words fail me.



I mean... wow. You can say a lot of insulting things about this speech: simplistic, poorly-delivered, child-like... but you've got to give it some credit; it does have a good rhythm. Somebody is going to mix this into a sweet dance beat. "College and reitement savings dwindle, windle, indleindleindle".

Joaquin Phoenix has very uncomfortable interview with Letterman

This video clip has gone viral, man, and I highly recommend you catch the FEVAA.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/11/joaquin-phoenixs-bizarre_n_166229.html

My first reaction, along with everyone else's and probably yours, was: "umm.. he's kidding, right?" Also acceptable: "he is hiiiiigh out of his miiiiind!" and "Letterman is the MAN"

Indulgences are back! (Thank God!)

Remember indulgences? Probably not from personal experience, but from religious history? They were the "get out of Purgatory free" passes handed out to Catholics with enough dough to afford them, back in the pre-reformation days. Well, guess what? They're baaaack!

“Confessions have been down for years and the church is very worried about it,” said the Rev. Tom Reese, a Jesuit and former editor of the Catholic magazine America. In a secularized culture of pop psychology and self-help, he said, “the church wants the idea of personal sin back in the equation. Indulgences are a way of reminding people of the importance of penance.”

“The good news is we’re not selling them anymore,” he added.

You hear that? For a limited time only (through the end of the celebration of St. Paul in June), you can now get your hands on free indulgences. People, this deal will NOT last long. Hurry in to your local church or cathedral and stock up--they're going fast!

Erickson to Burris: No Senate seat for you!

In Totally Obvious News, Secretary of the Senate Nancy Erickson has rejected Roland Burris' appointment to the Senate. (In case you don't already know, Burris is the guy selected by Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to replace Obama in the Senate, and Blagojevich is being charged with trying to sell that seat to the highest bidder. Geez, am I really your only news source??) Hilariously, though, none of these developments phase Burris in the least.

What has been done here is legal. That's legal. I am the junior senator from Illinois, and I wish my colleagues and the press would recognize that," [Burris] said.

He said he plans to appear at the chamber door Tuesday, even though he expects to be denied entry.

Burris said he was surprised by all of the controversy surrounding the appointment.

Now I'm no fancy, big-city politician, but something about this story just doesn't make sense to me. How could Burris possibly be surprised by the controversy? The reason Erickson couldn't seat him is because the Illinois Secretary of State, Jesse White, refused to sign the certificate of appointment. And Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (the majority leader, for goshssakes!) called the appointment "tainted". So either Burris a. isn't up on his political news (probably a disqualification) or b. is an idiot (definitely a disqualification). So what's it gonna be, B?

Brrrr it's cold out here...

...there must be a network of pipes containing coolant in the at-mos-phere!

Hmmmm, okay that one was a stretch. But seriously, you could be saying this exact phrase in the future if you find yourself massively wealthy and staying at the new Palazzo Versace in Dubai.

Versace, the renowned fashion house, is to create the world’s first refrigerated beach so that hotel guests can walk comfortably across the sand on scorching days.

The beach will be next to the the new Palazzo Versace hotel which is being built in Dubai where summer temperatures average 40C and can reach 50C.

The beach will have a network of pipes beneath the sand containing a coolant that will absorb heat from the surface.

The swimming pool will be refrigerated and there are also proposals to install giant blowers to waft a gentle breeze over the beach.

FINALLY rich people can control the weather directly, rather than just spritzing themselves with Evian from an aerosol can and relying on the unreliable cooling effects of evaporation. Although I have to admit this new revolution seems a bit poorly timed, what with the recent increase in focus on environmentalism and the recent decline in numbers of rich people (Madoff, I'm looking at you). Oh well, F it, pass me the tanning oil and a sweater, I'm off to the UAE! Thanks, Times Online!

George Bush shoe-dodging video

I usually try not to post about things you've already seen a gabajillion times, but the George Bush shoe-throwing incident really warrants a comment. When I first read about this story on Monday, I cycled through a full range of emotions and opinions.

One: haha, awesome.
Two: hey actually, that's pretty disrespectful, bad move.
Three: okay perhaps it was disrespectful, but it was a non-violent way to protest the U.S. occupation of Iraq and get the media to pay attention for once.
And finally, Four (after watching the actual video, posted below): holy shit, he throw that shoe hard! Non-violent, my ass! It would've broken Bush's nose if he hadn't ducked with the reflexes of a wack-a-mole! Haha, awesome.

WSJ now peddling schadenfreude

Not to overuse the term, which has gotten more than enough play in the past few months, but a new, front-page column in the WSJ is practically screaming schadenfreude.

It's called "The Fallen", and it's described by the paper as a series highlighting, "the declining fortunes of leading business figures." And in case you're more of a visual learner, it is accompanied by a little picture of a red arrow zig-zagging upwards before dropping precipitously to zero.

I mean, this is a paper that carries advertisements for 50-year old scotch and hundred-thousand dollar watches. Its target audience doesn't typically like to read about how many rich businessmen are failing these days. These people are those rich businessmen. Or should I say, were...

Treasury yields go negative

For years to come, municipal bond traders and other industry followers will tell their children and grandchildren the harrowing tale of The Day Treasury Yields Turned Negative.

Four-week notes traded at a yield of zero while three-month notes went for 99 cents on the dollar. For you non-finance types, that means that investors bought billions of dollars of bonds today that were guaranteed to lose them money. As the NYTimes puts it:

The news sends a sobering signal: in this environment, losing only a small amount of money on an investment is tantamount to coming out ahead.

Back to the future

Flashback alert! It's 1995 again and O.J.'s back, but this time with a twist:

A Las Vegas judge sentenced fallen gridiron great O.J. Simpson to at least 15 years in prison for leading an armed confrontation last year at a Las Vegas hotel room over sports memorabilia.

Simpson could become eligible for parole in about nine years. Grimacing, Simpson was escorted from the courtroom in shackles.

Judge Jackie Glass gave Simpson a tongue-lashing before passing sentence.

"Earlier in this case, at a bail hearing, I said to Mr. Simpson I didn't know if he was arrogant, ignorant or both," Glass said. "During the trial and through this proceeding I got the answer, and it was both."

She stressed that the sentence was not "payback for anything else," apparently referring to Simpson's acquittal 13 years ago in the slayings of his former wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend, Ron Goldman.

Snap, Judge Jackie Glass. He's already been convicted and sentenced to at leaset 15 years jail, but why don't you just rub it in a little? I've always thought it was funny how judges get to just dis on the defendant like that for no reason. If I ever wanted to become a judge, that would definitely be the reason why.

Brace yourself for a great blog post!

CNN, you slay me. Where do you find this shit, seriously? Today we learn of high school teacher Tom Farber, who has begun selling ads on his calculus exams in an effort to raise extra cash for school expenses. An example:

You'd think Mr. Farber would get a lot of flack for diluting the purity of the educational process, bargaining his students' future for a buck, etc. etc., but parents and school officials have actually been very supportive. Personally, my ire lies not with Farber but with Stephen P. Henry D.M.D. "Brace yourself"? Could you be any lamer???

Save Venice

Venice is totally fucked. Sorry, guys, but look at it:

That is the Piazza San Marco, a tourist- and pigeon-favorite, covered in knee-high (disgusting) seawater. The tide peaked at 61 inches (over 5 feet!), the fourth highest on record. They couldn't even put out those little walkways because the water was so high they would have floated away. Well, Venetians, you better start praying that all this global warming is followed by another Ice Age. Free skating, woooo!!!

He shoots... he scores!!

I love when I first read a story in the NYTimes, and I'm like, "okay, whatever," but then I read the same story in the NYPost and it suddenly takes on a whole new dimension. Example: while it was the NYTimes that officially informed me of Giants star Plaxico Burress' arrest, it was the NYPost that gave me the juicy (and hilarious) details:

- The incident occurred at midtown club Latin Quarter, "where workers allowed Burress inside with the gun, let him leave without calling authorities, and even had an employee place the gun in the glove compartment of Pierce's Cadillac Escalade"

- Burress was treated at "New York-Cornell Hospital, where he gave his name as Harris Smith, saying he'd been shot at an Applebee's restaurant. Nonetheless, hospital workers recognized him as Plaxico Burress, sources said, and the gunshot was not reported, as required by law."

- Burress "will be slapped with a felony gun charge and plead not guilty"

How do you plead not guilty to gun possession after you shoot yourself?!?! Is he going to use an existential defense??? "I didn't possess the gun, I was possessed by it." Oooooh. Deep.

A bit of levity, courtesy of Bentley

I seriously have to stop reading the Wall Street Journal. It is just too depressing. What I should be reading is the NY Daily News. Now there's a paper with real reporting. Like today's top story about Bentley, the car-driving dog:

http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/2008/11/19/2008-11-19_dog_takes_car_for_run_and_crashes_into_l.html

Awwww. This story has everything: adventure, danger, fur! And the best part: no one even cared that he wrecked the coffee shop! Because it was just sooooo cute. Too bad Paulson's not a dog--it could really soften the blow of that bailout thing.