When MSNBC makes dick jokes, it sounds intellectual

But when I do it, it's immature? Unfair. Anyway, this video of MSNBC's David Shuster is freaking hilarious. Pay close attention; these are some of the best teabagging-related double entendres ever made on cable news:



Ahahaha. That last line is classic. I'm very impressed with MSNBC and Countdown; I thought the burden of making these obvious jokes would inevitably fall on Comedy Central and The Daily Show. Kudos to MSNBC execs for having a sense of humor!

Ouch-choo

The NY Daily News reports today on Prax Sanchez, a 72-year old Colorado resident who recently discovered that he had a one-inch long nail lodged in his sinus cavity. Said nail had been chilling up there for upwards of 30 years without Sanchez's knowledge, and it was only dislodged after a painful MRI and what I expect was a stronger-than-usual cough.

In itself, this story isn't too interesting. I'm sure there's tons of shit lodged in most of us that we don't know about. Thankfully, the diligent reporters over at the NYDN took the time to investigate this growing phenomenon and compile a wonderful slideshow of 27 (!) other freaky things lodged in people's noses/throats/body cavities/you can only imagine where else. Not for the faint of heart.

Bristol Palin ends sham engagement

Shocker! Bristol Palin and "fiance" Levi Johnston have ended their "real, totally not-just-for-TV" relationship for good. People has it on good authority:

The split happened "a few weeks ago," according to a source close to the couple, but it's unclear what precipitated it. "It was a mutual thing," adds the source.

Typically I would be skeptical of information coming from a "source" close to the family, but since these people are pretty trashy it doesn't really surprise me that their good friends would be willing to discuss intimate details of their life with a tabloid. Also, who didn't see this breakup coming a mile away? Come on. And further: Alaska sucks. The end.

Can you pinpoint the exact moment when Jindal's political career implodes? Try! It's fun!

Granted I should have posted this a long time ago, but better late than never (I do have a real job, you know). This video response by Bobby Jindal to President Obama's quasi-State of the Union address on Tuesday night is just indescribable. Words fail me.



I mean... wow. You can say a lot of insulting things about this speech: simplistic, poorly-delivered, child-like... but you've got to give it some credit; it does have a good rhythm. Somebody is going to mix this into a sweet dance beat. "College and reitement savings dwindle, windle, indleindleindle".

Fox News, Post react predictably to swearing-in mishap

After Justice Roberts' flub during Tuesday's inaugural swearing-in ceremony, the media exploded in supposition, prognostication, and various forms of mongering. Fox News and the NY Post, as ever, lead the pack in ridiculousness:

The New York Post offered this headline: "Roberts is the Oaf of Office."

And Fox News anchor Chris Wallace said: "We're wondering here whether or not Barack Obama in fact is the president of the United States. They had a kind of garbled oath. It's just conceivable that this will end up going to the courts."

The "Oaf" of Office? Hahaha! Another quality zinger from the people who brought us "Chuck Knobloch-head". And Chris Wallace wondering whether Obama is really the president, despite that the Oath is merely ceremony and Obama officially became president at noon without it? That is soooo Fox News. Aaaahhhh, I feel safe and secure in the knowledge that some things will never change.

Erickson to Burris: No Senate seat for you!

In Totally Obvious News, Secretary of the Senate Nancy Erickson has rejected Roland Burris' appointment to the Senate. (In case you don't already know, Burris is the guy selected by Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to replace Obama in the Senate, and Blagojevich is being charged with trying to sell that seat to the highest bidder. Geez, am I really your only news source??) Hilariously, though, none of these developments phase Burris in the least.

What has been done here is legal. That's legal. I am the junior senator from Illinois, and I wish my colleagues and the press would recognize that," [Burris] said.

He said he plans to appear at the chamber door Tuesday, even though he expects to be denied entry.

Burris said he was surprised by all of the controversy surrounding the appointment.

Now I'm no fancy, big-city politician, but something about this story just doesn't make sense to me. How could Burris possibly be surprised by the controversy? The reason Erickson couldn't seat him is because the Illinois Secretary of State, Jesse White, refused to sign the certificate of appointment. And Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (the majority leader, for goshssakes!) called the appointment "tainted". So either Burris a. isn't up on his political news (probably a disqualification) or b. is an idiot (definitely a disqualification). So what's it gonna be, B?

Brrrr it's cold out here...

...there must be a network of pipes containing coolant in the at-mos-phere!

Hmmmm, okay that one was a stretch. But seriously, you could be saying this exact phrase in the future if you find yourself massively wealthy and staying at the new Palazzo Versace in Dubai.

Versace, the renowned fashion house, is to create the world’s first refrigerated beach so that hotel guests can walk comfortably across the sand on scorching days.

The beach will be next to the the new Palazzo Versace hotel which is being built in Dubai where summer temperatures average 40C and can reach 50C.

The beach will have a network of pipes beneath the sand containing a coolant that will absorb heat from the surface.

The swimming pool will be refrigerated and there are also proposals to install giant blowers to waft a gentle breeze over the beach.

FINALLY rich people can control the weather directly, rather than just spritzing themselves with Evian from an aerosol can and relying on the unreliable cooling effects of evaporation. Although I have to admit this new revolution seems a bit poorly timed, what with the recent increase in focus on environmentalism and the recent decline in numbers of rich people (Madoff, I'm looking at you). Oh well, F it, pass me the tanning oil and a sweater, I'm off to the UAE! Thanks, Times Online!

Detroit sucks so bad even Detroit thinks so

Yesterday the Big Three automakers returned to Congress to plead their cases once again for federal aid. In case you didn't already realize how much they suck:

GM said it needs an immediate injection of $4 billion to stay afloat until the end of the year, a fact it hadn't before disclosed. In total, the company said it needs $18 billion in loans -- $6 billion more than it said it would need just two weeks ago...

In a conference call with reporters, GM President Frederick "Fritz" Henderson said bankruptcy is not a viable option and the company is focusing solely on securing help from Washington. "There is not a Plan B," he said.

So, basically, the company needs $4 billion just to survive a single month. That must be some sort of record. And if for some crazy reason the government decides to put that money to better use, like say, by burning it, then GM's brilliant management team is out of ideas.

So what do regular ole Detroiters think of this plan? Apparently, they think it sucks, too:

John Raterink, a tool and machine maker who works at a small shop in Grand Rapids that supplies parts to the auto industry, opposes a bailout even though his livelihood is tethered to the car makers. Mr. Raterink, 46, points a finger at the Big Three for a lot of economic misery: "If I have to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, I hope G.M. faces that same reality."

In all fairness that dude is probably in the minority, but still. When even you think that you suck, it's time to move on.

He shoots... he scores!!

I love when I first read a story in the NYTimes, and I'm like, "okay, whatever," but then I read the same story in the NYPost and it suddenly takes on a whole new dimension. Example: while it was the NYTimes that officially informed me of Giants star Plaxico Burress' arrest, it was the NYPost that gave me the juicy (and hilarious) details:

- The incident occurred at midtown club Latin Quarter, "where workers allowed Burress inside with the gun, let him leave without calling authorities, and even had an employee place the gun in the glove compartment of Pierce's Cadillac Escalade"

- Burress was treated at "New York-Cornell Hospital, where he gave his name as Harris Smith, saying he'd been shot at an Applebee's restaurant. Nonetheless, hospital workers recognized him as Plaxico Burress, sources said, and the gunshot was not reported, as required by law."

- Burress "will be slapped with a felony gun charge and plead not guilty"

How do you plead not guilty to gun possession after you shoot yourself?!?! Is he going to use an existential defense??? "I didn't possess the gun, I was possessed by it." Oooooh. Deep.

My crush on Joel McHale continues...

Clips like this are why I love Joel McHale. He knows that you don't watch TRL (it's not 1999 anymore) and so you probably missed this fan reprising his 2000 dancing debut in honor of TRL's last episode. So he brings it to you, in the form of the Clip of the Week:



Thanks, Joel! What gym does he go to????

Nebraska hates children

I read about this story a couple of days/weeks back in the WSJ, but I didn't take it quite seriously. I mean the WSJ always has that weird column about like the Olive Garden and snowmobiling and random shit like that, so I kinda figured it was just another one of those. Oh, but I was wrong!

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/11/14/nebraska.safe.haven/index.html?eref=rss_topstories


So apparently Nebraska really has had a rash of child abandonments since passing a "safe haven" law intended for babies, and it really is stuck with a whole mess o' kids it doesn't know what to do with. Note that we're not talking about two or three here: the state has now received thirty-four abandoned children, most of which are teenagers, coming from as far away as Florida.

Jeez. Imagine the confusion of the fourteen-year-old from Miami upon realizing that dad's surprise trip to Nebraska really wasn't about showing him the new "Omaha Disney". Sorta funny... but also really, really f'ed up...

Today's WSJ opinion page

If you get the WSJ, definitely check out their opinion page today. It's a real hoot.

Note that when I say "check out", by no means am I suggesting you actually read it. Oh no; that would be a complete waste of time. Just look at it. And laugh.

All the pieces are organized under the heading "What Does the GOP Do Next?" and clearly show the confusion and disorganization of the current Republican party. Even the page is laid out poorly. It looks like a tetris board of conservative whining.

You can check out the articles, without the funky positioning, here:

http://online.wsj.com/public/page/news-opinion-commentary.html

I'm having trouble picking a favorite, but it's definitely between the one claiming that Republicans "speak to people's hopes and aspirations" (hahahahahahhahahah oh god I think I'm choking ahahahahsdklfja;sldkfja;sdf) and "What Would Reagan Do".

How to make money in the stock market without really trying

A funny thing happened on the way to the NYSE trading floor. The United States had its worse two-month job loss since 2001. A sign of an impending recession? Perhaps one that has already begun? No, apparently. Not according to equity traders, at least, who are, in the words of the NYTimes, "not letting a barrage of grim economic news get them down."

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/08/business/08markets.html?hp

Awwww. Well isn't that nice? The economy may suck shit, but the equity values of the companies that operate in that economy are rising because if they didn't traders would be sad. :( :( :( And we've all seen enough photos of distressed traders to know what an awful tragedy that would be. (At least I have, but if you just can't ever get enough then I recommend this blog: http://sadguysontradingfloors.tumblr.com/)

"Well, I mean... specifically?"

Oh, Jeebus. When Fox News starts turning against white, bigoted, middle-Americans, you KNOW something big is happening. Thanks to the Daily Show for the tip...



Now I vowed to never say this, but desperate times call for desperate measures: Fox News, I agree!!

"90 days, and the marriage is over"

Props to Stephen Colbert for sharing this glorious clip with the world. Without his help (and CNN's) this gem of a story would be languishing in Tennessee's cesspool of local news. Umm.. I mean, I assume it's a cesspool. I guess I don't really know. What's a cesspool, anyway? Sounds gross though, right? Yeah, okay then. Carry on.