Go Dow, It's Your Birthday, Go Dow

+5%! So the credit crisis is over now, right????

Dancing Lizard

Teehee, animals are funny. Check out this rockin' lizardo:



Thanks for the tip, Cute Overload! Oh and I read a fun factoid in the comments that may interest you lizard luvahs: these guys are biologically "programmed" to dance like that; it tricks predators (because it makes them look like a leaf flowing in the wind). Cool!

Adieu, W

Breaking: the MTA has just announced its crazy-ridiculous service cuts and fare hikes that are sure to have all NY commuters in a tizzy. Yipes.

Faced with its most severe financial crisis since the 1970s, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority announced plans on Thursday to drastically cut service on its subways, buses and commuter railroads starting in the spring and to impose a 23 percent increase in fare and toll revenue beginning June 1 and another 5 percent increase in 2011.

For New York City Transit, the biggest component of the authority, the deficit-closing plan would eliminate the W and Z subway lines; eliminate service on the M line to Bay Parkway in Brooklyn; shorten the route of the G line, which will permanently stop at Court Square in Long Island City, Queens, instead of 71st and Continental Avenues in Forest Hills, Queens; lower the frequency of most letter-line trains to every 10 minutes from every 8 minutes on weekends; lower the frequency of all trains to every 30 minutes from every 20 minutes from 2 to 5 a.m.; eliminate overnight bus service on 25 routes; and eliminate the X27 and X28 express-bus lines.

Mr. Sander said the route alterations “will result in extra transfers, longer travel times, longer wait times and longer walking time.” Trains would be more crowded. Subway cars would be cleaned less frequently. Station booths would be closed. Bus service would be cut back on weekends and at nights. The express-bus fare would rise to $7.50 from $5. The cost of the Access-a-Ride paratransit service for disabled riders would rise.

Not the W!! But I love the W! It is the train that transformed the boring N/R into the snappy N/R/W! What will fill that void now??

A bit of levity, courtesy of Bentley

I seriously have to stop reading the Wall Street Journal. It is just too depressing. What I should be reading is the NY Daily News. Now there's a paper with real reporting. Like today's top story about Bentley, the car-driving dog:

http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/2008/11/19/2008-11-19_dog_takes_car_for_run_and_crashes_into_l.html

Awwww. This story has everything: adventure, danger, fur! And the best part: no one even cared that he wrecked the coffee shop! Because it was just sooooo cute. Too bad Paulson's not a dog--it could really soften the blow of that bailout thing.

FUCK THE DOW

That is all.

#1 Threat to America: PIRATES!!!!

Editor's note: In no way do I condone piracy or other forms of violence. That being said, arrrr!!! Shiver me timbers!! This post be about the skyrocketing number of pirate attacks happening recently. Avast, I'm totally serious.

I'd heard about a few earlier in the year, most recently the well-publicized hijacking of a Saudi oil ship, but it wasn't until today that I learned the full extent of the epidemic. The WSJ has a little graph showing the number of attacks Jan-Sept of this year vs last year, and the 2008 number is SEVEN TIMES greater than the 2007 one (31 vs. 199).

Ahoy, mateys! We must band together to fight the scourge o' these ne'er-do-well cads! Yo-ho!

Kudos to India for getting the ball rolling.

Mouse Patrol

Guess what! My webcam came in the mail yesterday! Yay!!!!

I had completely forgotten that I had even bought it, since it was kind of an impulse buy and I tend to lose interest in things like that very quickly, but receiving the package yesterday totally reignited my passion for lifecasting. You can view our channel below; it's called "Mouse Patrol":

Watch live video from Three's Company on Justin.tv

I describe it thusly: imagine if Modest Mouse and Snow Patrol came together, and then pointed a webcam at my stove. Kinda like that!

My crush on Joel McHale continues...

Clips like this are why I love Joel McHale. He knows that you don't watch TRL (it's not 1999 anymore) and so you probably missed this fan reprising his 2000 dancing debut in honor of TRL's last episode. So he brings it to you, in the form of the Clip of the Week:



Thanks, Joel! What gym does he go to????

A friendly gift? Or something more?

Tyra "kiss my fat ass" Banks has given the gift of true femininity to Isis King, whom you may remember as Top Model's very first publicity stunt--I mean, transgendered contestant. The penis-ectomy normally costs between 20 and 35K, but Tyra has arranged for it to be performed pro-bono (but I thought it was anti-bono! Hahahaha, okay I'm done).

http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2008/11/17/2008-11-17_tyra_banks_gives_top_model_contestant_is.html

Now she can ace those pool photo shoots! Just like Tyra...

Nebraska hates children

I read about this story a couple of days/weeks back in the WSJ, but I didn't take it quite seriously. I mean the WSJ always has that weird column about like the Olive Garden and snowmobiling and random shit like that, so I kinda figured it was just another one of those. Oh, but I was wrong!

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/11/14/nebraska.safe.haven/index.html?eref=rss_topstories


So apparently Nebraska really has had a rash of child abandonments since passing a "safe haven" law intended for babies, and it really is stuck with a whole mess o' kids it doesn't know what to do with. Note that we're not talking about two or three here: the state has now received thirty-four abandoned children, most of which are teenagers, coming from as far away as Florida.

Jeez. Imagine the confusion of the fourteen-year-old from Miami upon realizing that dad's surprise trip to Nebraska really wasn't about showing him the new "Omaha Disney". Sorta funny... but also really, really f'ed up...

You go girl!

Hill's back, bitches! Almost-President-elect Hillary Clinton is reportedly being considered for the top job, Secretary of State, in Actual-President-elect Obama's administration.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/11/14/transition.wrap/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

After a short review of the order of presidential succession on Wikipedia, I learned that if Hill is selected, she will be, as they say, just "three heartbeats away" from the highest office in our nation. Although that's pretty darn close, it's still behind the President pro tempore of the Senate, and who has any idea what the fuck that is?

While I conduct some further Wikipedia research, I encourage you all to light your ceremonial Hillary Clinton candles, join the hands of your Hillary and Barack voodoo dolls, and sing your pro-Hillary chants (Hiiiiiiillary, humanumhumanumhumanumhumanum, Hiiiiiillary....)--I think we've got a real shot this time!

Martin Eisenstadt: "I am not a hoax" [Nixon-esque jowl jiggle]

We all knew that Sarah Palin wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, or the sharpest tool in the shed, or even the shiniest marble in the marble bag, but not knowing that Africa was a continent? Come on. That almost unbelievable claim raised more than a few eyebrows, and as it turns out, for good reason.

Martin Eisenstadt, the supposed McCain advisor and senior fellow at the Harding Institute who leaked this and other "inside information" to the press, is today revealed by the NYTimes to be nothing more than a publicity hoax. The story is here:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/13/arts/television/13hoax.html?em

Interestingly, however, Mr. Eisenstadt has a blog, on which he asserts his existence and claims that he is emphatically NOT a hoax. Huh????

http://www.eisenstadtgroup.com/

What is this world coming to. If we can't believe in blogs, what can we believe in???

Puppies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Aaaawwwwwwwww look at zee leetle furballs. Woof woof, snarl, bite, sleeeeeeep....

Jeb is short for... ?? ...Jebremy?

Daily Intel today introduces us to the newest hunk of Treasury eye candy.. and his name is Jeb!

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2008/11/well_hello_mr_treasury-man.html

Well, Jeb, I'd say the country is safe in your strong, rough hands. Looks like Paulson is going to have some competition in this year's Treasury's Sexiest Man contest...

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2008/09/breaking_secretary_hank_paulso.html

Today's WSJ opinion page

If you get the WSJ, definitely check out their opinion page today. It's a real hoot.

Note that when I say "check out", by no means am I suggesting you actually read it. Oh no; that would be a complete waste of time. Just look at it. And laugh.

All the pieces are organized under the heading "What Does the GOP Do Next?" and clearly show the confusion and disorganization of the current Republican party. Even the page is laid out poorly. It looks like a tetris board of conservative whining.

You can check out the articles, without the funky positioning, here:

http://online.wsj.com/public/page/news-opinion-commentary.html

I'm having trouble picking a favorite, but it's definitely between the one claiming that Republicans "speak to people's hopes and aspirations" (hahahahahahhahahah oh god I think I'm choking ahahahahsdklfja;sldkfja;sdf) and "What Would Reagan Do".

The ironing is delicious

Goldman Sachs, a major underwriter of bonds for the state of California, is now advising some of its trading partners to short those bonds which it previously sold. An excerpt from an article in the LA Times:

Goldman, Sachs & Co. urged some of its big clients to place investment bets against California bonds this year despite having collected millions of dollars in fees to help the state sell some of those same bonds...

Some experts said the investment bank's actions, while not illegal, might be inappropriate. "That's not a good way to do business," said Geoffrey M. Heal, professor of public policy and business responsibility at Columbia University. "They've got a conflict of interest and they're acting against the interest of their customers. . . . You act in the interests of your clients. You don't screw them, to put it bluntly."

OOOOOHHHHH. No he di'nt!! NO. HE. DI'. NT. "Screw"?! HA. Give 'em Hell, Heal!

http://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-goldman11-2008nov11,0,1943014.story?dbk

Samantha to CNN: Stop publishing weird fucking stories

WTF, CNN? Is it not enough that every time I open my browser I have to see a stock chart and, by implication, a reminder of how worthless my savings are; now I have to read your ridiculous headlines, too? Today's top story:

Holocaust survivors to Mormons: Stop baptisms of dead Jews

I mean, really. Who needs that?

Although.. I guess it is interesting.. in a bizarre and scary kind of way. Fine, CNN. Fine. You win this round. Touche. Assholes.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/11/11/baptizing.dead.jews.ap/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

Poll: Americans [still] hate President Bush [but now even more than before]

Speaks for itself...

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/11/10/bush.transition.poll/index.html

The all-time low on the public's mood may have something to do with the poll's finding that President Bush is the most unpopular president since approval ratings were first sought more than six decades ago. Seventy-six percent of those questioned in the poll disapprove of how he is handling his job.

That's an all-time high in CNN polling and in Gallup polling dating back to World War II.

"No other president's disapproval rating has gone higher than 70 percent. Bush has managed to do that three times so far this year," Holland said. "That means that Bush is now more unpopular than Richard Nixon was when he resigned from office during Watergate with a 66 percent disapproval rating."

Hahahahaha

Today, Deutsche Bank equity analyst Rod Lache cut his 12-month price target for GM stock to zero, causing shares to plummet to a 59-year low.

http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=aF2FlgNCR5jg&refer=home

Shit... ZERO? I didn't even know you could do that! GM sure does suck. They just plain suck. I've seen companies suck before, but they are the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!

Barclays Capital and Buckingham Research, ever the glass-half-full optimists, only cut their price targets to $1.

Out of the frying pan into the fryer / rock and a hard place / damned if you do, damned if you don't / etc.

Shit just keeps getting worse. GM disclosed today (Friday) that it has suspended merger talks with Chrysler indefinitely, due to its deteriorating cash position. Chrysler, owned by Cerberus, is still single-and-looking, but the likelihood of it finding a suitor is unclear.

http://dealbook.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/11/07/gm-suspends-merger-talks-with-chrysler/

We've all heard this tale before. It's the classic love story. Boy meets girl, boy proposes to girl, boy drops out of merger talks due to deteriorating cash position... poor Chrysler. Don't worry, hun; you keep your head up. You'll find him eventually!

How to make money in the stock market without really trying

A funny thing happened on the way to the NYSE trading floor. The United States had its worse two-month job loss since 2001. A sign of an impending recession? Perhaps one that has already begun? No, apparently. Not according to equity traders, at least, who are, in the words of the NYTimes, "not letting a barrage of grim economic news get them down."

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/08/business/08markets.html?hp

Awwww. Well isn't that nice? The economy may suck shit, but the equity values of the companies that operate in that economy are rising because if they didn't traders would be sad. :( :( :( And we've all seen enough photos of distressed traders to know what an awful tragedy that would be. (At least I have, but if you just can't ever get enough then I recommend this blog: http://sadguysontradingfloors.tumblr.com/)

You want 'em, I got 'em

Apparently, despite its boring, Schnabel-free coverage, NYTimes issues from November 5, 2008 are a hot commodity these days.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/11/06/obama.newspapers.ap/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

Well, guess what: I've got TWO of 'em. Muahahahaha! I'm rich! Rich, I tell you!!!!

I plan to use my new windfall to quit my job and buy a tropical island, perhaps Puerto Rico or that nice archipelago in the Pacific.. what's it called.. ah yes, Hawaii. Now accepting applications for monkey butlers.

It's easy to miss Russia, all tucked away down there...

Evidently the NYTimes' Page Six isn't *quite* the same as the NYPost's. It just doesn't have the same cache, if you know what I mean. That's why they stick all the boring stories there. Like this one, from today's paper.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/06/world/europe/06russia.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&hp

It's called "Russia Warns of Missile Deployment". Booooooring. Russia? Russia who? Who gives a fuck about that washed-up oligarchy? I want to hear about today's nuclear divas--Pakistan, North Korea, Iran--you know, the real celebrities.

And Schnabel. You can never have too much Schnabel.

Obama wins in least climactic election night in recent history

Well, Obama won last night. No big surprise there. And although watching the election results was uniquely boring, since Obama's win was basically a foregone conclusion, I have to say that, frankly, I'm pretty excited about it.

I am most encouraged by Obama's background as a community organizer in inner-city Chicago. The political discourse in this country almost never touches America's cities, with their high crime rates, failing schools and, oh yeah, btw, most of the population. Now we finally have a president who understands the problems plagueing our metropolitan areas and may actually pay a small amount of attention to them (not that you'd know it from the shots of flowing grain and suburban streets that graced his infomercial, but whatev). So I'm hopeful about that.

I'm also happy for black people because, come on, they don't usually get a break in this country and they deserve it. Throw them a bone; let them have one president. We've had oodles of them and we'll probably have oodles more--we can spare it.

And although from a personal perspective a Democratic president probably isn't in my "best interest", I really do think that the liberal ideology is best-suited for the country as a whole. While listening to the selfish idiots who make 60K a year rant about how their taxes are going to go up, I was reminded of an interview Stephen Colbert did about a week ago with Sherman Alexie. Below please find a video and a choice quote from Mr. Alexie. It's very JFK-Ask not what your country can do for you-esque. Enjoy... and celebrate... after eight years, we've earned it.

McCain is great for Indians...but he's bad for the country. Unlike other groups of people...we Indians vote for the good of everybody and not just for the good of our little group.

Affleck's hilarious Olbermann impression

This clip will definitely resonate with anyone who watches Countdown. No matter how liberal you may be, you've gotta admit that Keith Olbermann is kind of a nut job. I mean, let's just be real here, if he weren't involved in politics he really would spend the entire show railing on his neighbors and on that guy who works at the deli in the grocery store who charged him for a whole pound of turkey but only gave him 0.97 lbs. THE BASTARD!!!

Good humor on Olbermann's part for showing it on last night's show, although by conspicuously mentioning Affleck's "apology" letter immediately afterwards he basically confirmed the accuracy of whole skit. And congrats to Ben Affleck for an awesome and impressively long impersonation (no teleprompter, cue cards only, wow).

Election Day

GO VOTE, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!

And when you're done, make sure to party up with ironically-themed drinks and snackums. I've compiled a list of suggestions, some original and some stolen from more clever people.

1. "Fundamentally strong" drinks
a. McCain Campaign on the rocks
b. Joe the Plummer (plum-favored)
2. Mav-ritz crackers
3. Pigs in a blanket, with "lipstick" dipping sauce
4. Nachos (okay, these aren't really themed, but so so tasty)