Metropolitan Bloggery

More dogs should be filmed in slow motion

2010-03-09T14:48:00.002-05:00

Until recently, I felt like our society had fallen into the trap, a delusion really, that only exotic animals like cheetahs and gazelles could be compellingly filmed in slow-motion. In the below video, Pedigree really works to break us out of that box:

Yes, Virginia, dogs jumping to catch kibble in their mouths can be every bit as exciting as some hoity toity "Planet Earth" special in HD. Two words: Ba-roo.

Great news, lushes/fatties!

2010-03-09T10:59:00.002-05:00

According to a new study published this week in the Archives of Internal Medicine, booze can make you skinny! Woohoo! Some choice excerpts:

Although alcohol is packed with calories (about 150 in a six-ounce glass of wine)...[t]he risk of becoming overweight was almost 30 percent lower for women who consumed one or two alcohol beverages a day, compared with nondrinkers.

The trend toward less weight gain among drinkers doesn’t appear to hold true for men [however]...Men typically add alcohol to their daily caloric intake, whereas women are more likely to substitute alcohol for food.

Although this article was posted by fake journalist and my own personal mortal enemy, Tara Parker-Pope, I must admit I like these findings. Not only do they justify drinking, but they also affirm the health benefits of the Alcohol-Cigarettes-Drugs diet I have long advocated. Victory all around!

Hillary Duff has become interesting

2010-02-24T13:07:00.013-05:00

Admit it: you haven't thought about Hillary Duff at all since she left Gossip Girl. Not once. Why would you? Who has she blown lately? Well, as it turns out, this guy:

Wow. How were these even captured? Some photographer just happened to be standing outside their room at the exact moment he proposed? What are the odds of that? I smell a blow job publicity stunt.

Snow News Day

2010-02-10T11:03:00.005-05:00

Up until today, I was pretty unimpressed by the recent Northeastern snowstorms and frankly getting a little bored by all the snow-related news. NBC Washington's "Around Town" desk has made me come around, however.

Bo loves the snow! Isn't that just so interesting? I mean, this story works on so many levels. Level one: rhymes. Level two: contains dog. Keep up the good work, NBC!

Mobile Puppies!!!!!!!!!!

2010-01-21T14:40:00.003-05:00

The day has finally come: it is now possible to access the Shiba Inu Puppy Cam's reincarnation (Kika's got a new litter, yay!) on your mobile device. An artist's rendition:

Just download the UStream viewing app on your iPhone, click on "Shiba Inu Puppy Cam" (easy to find; it's one of the Featured sreams), and BAM! It's live, it's mobile, and it's PUPPIES!!!!!! Technology: you have outdone yourself.

I never though I'd write a post about Heidi Montag...

2010-01-15T16:13:00.007-05:00

..but her escapades have finally surpassed disgusting and reached grotesque proportions, and I can no longer ignore her pathetic, wimpering cries for attention. Check out these side-by-side photos from People (via The Superficial) to see what I'm getting at.

You know, I feel partly responsible for this. If I had known that she was going to find a little nickname like Chinasaurus Rex offensive, then I would have just stuck with Tits McGee and let that be that. Oh well, hindsight...

Breaking News: Panda

2010-01-08T09:46:00.003-05:00

Behold: Panda Cam. Provided by the San Diego zoo, this black-and-white feed (no color necessary... they're pandas) provides non-stop panda-viewing action.

Currently, the panda is eating some leaf- or tree-like substance, possibly a tree branch with leaves on it. Developing.

That blueberry scone has 460 calories. Still want it?

2010-01-07T14:10:00.004-05:00

The answer, at least according to Starbucks customers in New York City, is FUCK NO. A new study conducted at Stanford University, reported by Reuters, sheds light on the inner workings of the breakfast treat-consumer's mind:

A New York City law [enacted in 2008] requiring restaurants to post the calories of their menu items led Starbucks customers to consume 6 percent fewer calories per transaction, a Stanford University study found. For people who averaged more than 250 calories per purchase, calorie consumption fell by a more dramatic 26 percent.

These findings dovetail perfectly with my own personal experience, and might quiet some objections to the new calorie-posting regulations. Fat-shaming works, people.

Re-Inaugural Blog Post: Metropolitan Bloggery v2.0

2010-01-07T13:52:00.008-05:00

Welcome back, my little bloglings! I've missed you so. It has been a rollercoaster ride these past few months, but I am finally back and bloggier than ever. So, without further ado, let's get post-ical (post-ical)!

Bee Season!

2009-05-27T12:38:00.002-04:00

Guess what happens at 8PM Eastern on ABC this Thursday! No, I'm not going to tell you--I want you to guess. Anyone? Okay, fine: the Scripps National Spelling Bee! Yay! Some intriguing background on these dorky little munchkins:

- This year we welcome 293 spellers— the greatest number in the history of the event.
- The spellers range in age from 9 to 15 years old, but two-thirds are either 13 or 14 years old.
- The spellers' favorite words include Weissnichtwo and humuhumunukunukuapuaa.

The best is the looks on the kids faces when they got words they don't know, like "parfleche" (a rawhide with the hair removed by soaking it in water and lye). They are like "wtf, how am I supposed to know what a parfleche is?" So cute.

For a little background, I suggest watching this video of my personal favorite speller, Rebecca Sealfon.

Khloe Kardashian has lost of a lot of weight

2009-05-26T11:10:00.003-04:00

It seems that Khloe has taken stepfather Bruce's advice to "lose a little weight". Below, find a photo of her (via the Superficial) looking like she has dropped a good 10-15 lbs.

Why is this news, you ask? Um, it's not, clearly. Who said that it was? It's the Tuesday after a holiday weekend, give me a break.

Grant Study results interesting, good way to kill time at work

2009-05-12T14:06:00.003-04:00

This new essay, recently published in the Atlantic, is absolutely fantastic. David Brooks' column in the Times tipped me off to it, and fortunately I don't do shit at work anymore so I had the time to read it.

"What Makes Us Happy?" reports on some of the results of the Grant Study, a 70+ year-old longitudinal survey of nearly 300 former Harvard students and their lives and circumstances. Many of its results are paradoxical. For example: did you know that positive emotions make us more vulnerable than negative ones? Or that most of us can't "tolerate being loved"? Huh. Fancy that!

Anyway, I highly recommend it for anyone who has twenty minutes to kill. Its description of the Grant Study is super-interesting (JFK was one of the participants!), as is its profile of the study's current administrator, George Valliant. Go! Read it!!

Escaped cow gets new home!

2009-05-07T15:11:00.005-04:00

Molly (pictured above), whom you may remember as the escaped cow from the Queens slaughterhouse, was transported to her new home in Suffolk County today amid much fanfare and hay-tossing. City Room blog has the inside scoop on her new life from her adoptive parents:

“She can eat some good organic hay and hang around with a lot of her friends,” Mr. Farr said. “She can eat and sleep for the rest of her life. She is not going anywhere. The bottom line is she will have a very good home.”

Normally I'm a little skeptical when I hear of a beloved animal being sent to a "farm upstate" where it can "run and play", but the article included a picture and lots of official-sounding quotes from city representatives, so it sounded pretty legit. Good for you, Molly! Awwwww.

The most celebrities, EVER

2009-05-05T17:39:00.002-04:00

Holy muffins, it's the Met Gala! This annual event is the most celebrity-filled get-together in probably the entire universe and has a purpose about which I have absolutely no clue. Check out the Cut's slideshow of just a few of the famous people who attended.

Look at all of 'em! What master of the universe could have brought all of these minor and not-so-minor celebrities together under the same roof? God? Allah? Diddy? All I know is that I must attend next year; I just must. Get on it, people!

Developing: Sean Hannity's adventures in Waterworld

2009-04-29T11:44:00.003-04:00

The problem with never watching Fox News is that you occassionally miss out on some really quality ridiculousness, like this clip, in which Sean Hannity offers to be waterboarded "for charity". Hmmm.

Wow, Charles Grodin is a total ballbreaker! Good for him! I guess I should've known, what with how he beat down that evil veterinarian in Beethoven and all. But Grodin's ballsiness aside, the real story here is Sean Hannity's faux-offer to be waterboarded. I'm going to go ahead and assume he wouldn't really do it, since Keith Olbermann immediately offered him $1,000 a second to go through with it and that was six days ago, but I'm glad this was caught on tape. Hopefully this story will get enough coverage that Hannity is forced to either apologize or at least participate in some sort of dunk tank. I've heard they melt if they get wet.

When MSNBC makes dick jokes, it sounds intellectual

2009-04-14T14:22:00.004-04:00

But when I do it, it's immature? Unfair. Anyway, this video of MSNBC's David Shuster is freaking hilarious. Pay close attention; these are some of the best teabagging-related double entendres ever made on cable news:

Ahahaha. That last line is classic. I'm very impressed with MSNBC and Countdown; I thought the burden of making these obvious jokes would inevitably fall on Comedy Central and The Daily Show. Kudos to MSNBC execs for having a sense of humor!

God wants to be more like Diddy

2009-04-10T15:17:00.003-04:00

I gotta give props to the NYT for bringing this eclesi-tastic bit of news to my attention: God is now on Twitter! He must have heard about all the good PR tweeting has been generating for Diddy, and I guess God was all, "well if Diddy can do it..." A snippet of the tweetslation of the Stations of the Cross:

via @Mary_Mother_Of: They sealed his tomb at dusk. The stone stands between us, and I can’t leave. I am an old woman now, lost in the dark.22 minutes ago from GroupTweet

via @romanguard1: I've got dibs on his robe, but if you guys want to cast lots for the rest of his clothes I'm cool with that.36 minutes ago from GroupTweet

I always suspected the Roman guards were chiller than they were portrayed in the Bible. They didn't want to betray you, J, but they gots to get paid. You feel me?

The blogosphere finally embraces me

2009-04-09T15:31:00.003-04:00

Last night I had an "OMGOMGOMG" moment when I googled myself and discovered my very own name on somebody else's blog. I was even tagged! I am now a tag. Wow. I, I just, I feel so much... love right now.

Yes We Carve

The author references my pumpkin submission to YesWeCarve.com, which as you may recall I also mentioned here, on my blog. So this means that somebody else blogged on their blog about a blog post that I also blogged about on my blog. Woah. Bloooogggggg.

Ouch-choo

2009-04-03T14:45:00.004-04:00

The NY Daily News reports today on Prax Sanchez, a 72-year old Colorado resident who recently discovered that he had a one-inch long nail lodged in his sinus cavity. Said nail had been chilling up there for upwards of 30 years without Sanchez's knowledge, and it was only dislodged after a painful MRI and what I expect was a stronger-than-usual cough.

In itself, this story isn't too interesting. I'm sure there's tons of shit lodged in most of us that we don't know about. Thankfully, the diligent reporters over at the NYDN took the time to investigate this growing phenomenon and compile a wonderful slideshow of 27 (!) other freaky things lodged in people's noses/throats/body cavities/you can only imagine where else. Not for the faint of heart.

Au Revoir, Roquefort?

2009-03-31T13:47:00.002-04:00

A long-standing trade dispute between the U.S. and the EU, if not resolved soon, will soon lead to higher tariffs on imported goods from Europe, according to the WSJ. The levies, as they often do, fall hardest on the most vulnerable and delicious of victims.

Perhaps no group is as worried as fans of Roquefort, the only item on which the duty rate is slated to rise to 300%. (The rest are bracketed to rise to 100%.)

Cowgirl Creamery of Point Reyes Station, Calif., has ordered 30 extra wheels of Roquefort, said co-founder Sue Conley. The company began carrying more domestic cheeses last year, when the euro gained strength against the dollar, and Ms. Conley has several domestic alternatives to Roquefort in mind.

I don't know if I even like Roquefort that much, and I guess switching to domestic products is sort of the whole idea of a tariff, but a 300% tax on cheese just seems unfair. What did cheese ever do to us (minor intestinal disruptions notwithstanding)? I personally am rushing out the door right now to stock up on my beloved English cheddar and Italian mozzarella, before the goatied foody hoardes beat me to it.

New Fave Trend: Gossipy WSJ Articles

2009-03-31T11:58:00.003-04:00

Ever since the credit crisis began, the gossip factor of the WSJ articles chronicling it has been rising steadily. From the inner workings of Vikram Pandit's twisted mind to Timothy Geithner's private pain, the WSJ is there to dramatize every moment. Just one example of many: today's article about the automotive restructuring, Detroit's Fate Sealed in West Wing.

In this riveting piece, master storytellers Monica Landley and Neal E. Boudette take us from the hallowed halls of Washington to a dingy Northwest terminal in Detroit. Opening in a "windowless, ornate room", the tale is pure suspense from beginning to end. A selection from later in the piece:

Late in the afternoon, the two executives hurried to the airport and boarded a Northwest flight bound for Detroit. It was a far cry from the days when they flew the corporate jets GM operated out of its own small terminal at the Detroit airport.

They settled into the last row in first class, Mr. Henderson taking the window and Mr. Wagoner the aisle. As the Airbus 319 lifted off, Mr. Henderson occupied himself with the day's newspaper, Mr. Wagoner with reports. The two men said little to each other throughout the one-hour-and-36-minute flight.

Oooooh. You can really feel the tension. And the line harkening back to the days of corporate jets and private terminals? Sentimental gold. I can hardly wait for the next installment!

Mark your calendars, start your engines

2009-03-25T15:27:00.003-04:00

April 2, 2009 is fast approaching. "Why should I care?" you ask naiively. For that is the day that TopShop FINALLY opens in NYC, of course!

New York - Topshop USA

I remember when I first heard that TopShop was coming to NYC. It was Summer 2006 and the announcement filled me with cheap chic visions and vintage fashion dreams. But month after month I waited.. and waited.. and I honestly began to doubt that TopShop would ever come. But, lo! The day is upon us! The hour is nigh! TopShop, ho!

When did Twitter get so cool?

2009-03-12T15:49:00.003-04:00

It seems like all of a sudden everyone is Twittering. Politicians, celebrities, journalists--you name it. Even old people like John McCain have jumped on the bandwagon. But there is one Twitterer who is clearly out-Tweeting his rivals. That man's name is Diddy:

[In] the past couple weeks Diddy has:
• Tweeted live during a tantric sex session (on the exact same day he reportedly hosted a Rihanna–Chris Brown reunion in his home).
• Taken a bubble bath while holding an Oscar.
• Enjoyed a ride in a stolen car with Jonah Hill and Hype Williams.
• Had a Twitter party to honor the memory of the Notorious B.I.G. on the twelve-year anniversary of his murder.
• Joined Jay Electronica in a 48-hour spiritual fast during which he could drink only natural juices.

This guy Twitters like non-stop. He has at least one tweet almost every hour (does he Twitter in his sleep?) and he's logged seven tweets in the past hour alone (mostly responses to fans). He's even got a Twitter alias--PTwitty. What is going ON????

Bristol Palin ends sham engagement

2009-03-12T15:15:00.003-04:00

Shocker! Bristol Palin and "fiance" Levi Johnston have ended their "real, totally not-just-for-TV" relationship for good. People has it on good authority:

The split happened "a few weeks ago," according to a source close to the couple, but it's unclear what precipitated it. "It was a mutual thing," adds the source.

Typically I would be skeptical of information coming from a "source" close to the family, but since these people are pretty trashy it doesn't really surprise me that their good friends would be willing to discuss intimate details of their life with a tabloid. Also, who didn't see this breakup coming a mile away? Come on. And further: Alaska sucks. The end.

Now, wait just a minute...

2009-03-10T13:21:00.002-04:00

Imagine my surprise when I opened today's NYTimes Business section and discovered this headline: Stocks Rise on Upbeat Memo From Citigroup. "There must be some mistake," I thought. But no:

[Citi] turned a profit in the first two months of the year, and...its quarterly performance to date, before taxes and special items, was the best since the third quarter of 2007.

At about 2 p.m., the Dow Jones industrial average was up 292 points, or nearly 4.5 percent, while the broader Standard & Poor’s 500-stock index rose 5.2 percent — the biggest gains for the two market indices since late January.

Um.. what? How could this be? Just this morning I read not one but two scathing WSJ articles about how Citi is going down the shitter and that even Ken "lost $1.79 billion in the fourth quarter but hey we were profitable for the full year right?" Lewis is dissing on the ailing bank. Understandably, I'm more than a little suspicious about this upbeat news. After all, "special items" have been known to include everything from volcano insurance to crippling subprime losses. And despite the fact that Citi's stock "surged 23 percent in midmorning trading," 23% of $1 isn't much to brag about. So, Vikram, you've earned the pats on the back I'm sure you'll receive from many in your organization, but I wouldn't hold my breath for that bonus.

OMG pink dolphin!

2009-03-03T11:40:00.003-05:00

Spotted: a PINK dolphin! For realz!! Check this guy out:

Only three letters are appropriate here: O, M, and G. I mean, look at it--that isn't a pale shade of sorta, kinda pink; it is BRIGHT, flamingo, TOTALLY pink. Plus, it was found in a lake in Louisiana, which is bizarre in itself. Maybe he or she is donning the wild color in a late celebration of Mardi Gras, or maybe it simply wants to cheer us up during a bad recession. Whatever the reason, I stick by my original statement: OMG pink dolphin!

Wow, the economy really sucks

2009-02-27T12:48:00.001-05:00

It seems every day a new government report comes out reminding us how fucked up the economy is. Today's GDP report, however, took that concept one step further: it tells us that the economy is actually even more fucked up than we thought! Yesssss.

Output fell 6.2 percent at an annualized rate in the fourth quarter of 2008, revised downward from a previous estimate of a 3.8 percent decline. The drop was even steeper than many economists had feared — the consensus estimate had been a 5.4 percent decline — and was much lower than the 0.5 percent contraction from the previous quarter.

John Ryding, chief economist at RDQ Economics, described the report as "ghastly". Ouch. Well, at least it can't get much worse, right? WRONG, says John Barbera, chief economist at ITG. His prediction: "this quarter will be at least as bad as the last one."

Can you pinpoint the exact moment when Jindal's political career implodes? Try! It's fun!

2009-02-27T12:41:00.001-05:00

Granted I should have posted this a long time ago, but better late than never (I do have a real job, you know). This video response by Bobby Jindal to President Obama's quasi-State of the Union address on Tuesday night is just indescribable. Words fail me.

I mean... wow. You can say a lot of insulting things about this speech: simplistic, poorly-delivered, child-like... but you've got to give it some credit; it does have a good rhythm. Somebody is going to mix this into a sweet dance beat. "College and reitement savings dwindle, windle, indleindleindle".

NY <3 Unemployed Bankers

2009-02-18T16:44:00.004-05:00

Now that's a slogan you can put on a t-shirt! Today Mayor Michael Bloomberg unveiled a plan to retrain Wall Street's newly laid off investment bankers, traders, and other assorted sell-side losers:

Under a program Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg unveiled on Wednesday, the city wants to invest $45 million in government money to retrain investment bankers, traders and others who have lost jobs on Wall Street, as well as provide seed capital and office space for new businesses those laid-off bankers might create.

The plan is intended to stem the exodus of talent from the rapidly collapsing financial services industry, which has been the city’s economic engine for decades, and speed the industry’s recovery, which may take years, officials said.

You may have noticed the little "m" before the "illion" in "$45 million"... no, that isn't a typo; Mayor Bloomberg is funding this program with roughly the same budget as that of John Thain's office renovation. (Zing!) So New York loves you, unemployed bankers... just not that much.

Joaquin Phoenix has very uncomfortable interview with Letterman

2009-02-13T13:50:00.002-05:00

This video clip has gone viral, man, and I highly recommend you catch the FEVAA.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/02/11/joaquin-phoenixs-bizarre_n_166229.html

My first reaction, along with everyone else's and probably yours, was: "umm.. he's kidding, right?" Also acceptable: "he is hiiiiigh out of his miiiiind!" and "Letterman is the MAN"

Indulgences are back! (Thank God!)

2009-02-11T17:38:00.003-05:00

Remember indulgences? Probably not from personal experience, but from religious history? They were the "get out of Purgatory free" passes handed out to Catholics with enough dough to afford them, back in the pre-reformation days. Well, guess what? They're baaaack!

“Confessions have been down for years and the church is very worried about it,” said the Rev. Tom Reese, a Jesuit and former editor of the Catholic magazine America. In a secularized culture of pop psychology and self-help, he said, “the church wants the idea of personal sin back in the equation. Indulgences are a way of reminding people of the importance of penance.”

“The good news is we’re not selling them anymore,” he added.

You hear that? For a limited time only (through the end of the celebration of St. Paul in June), you can now get your hands on free indulgences. People, this deal will NOT last long. Hurry in to your local church or cathedral and stock up--they're going fast!

It's Westminster Tiiiiiime!

2009-02-10T17:42:00.003-05:00

The Westminster Dog Show kicked off today in New York's Madison Square Garden and holy moly that thing must be a shitshow (pun intended). I'm guessing it's an equally if not more insane, wacked-out crazyfest than in the movie Best In Show and it frankly is the only event at MSG that I would care to attend. Below please find a hilarious slideshow provided by the kind folks at Daily Intel.

Puppy-Pampering: the Slideshow!

Behold the poodle's fluffy feet! Marvel at the beagle's eyes filled with sorrow and wisdom! Be slightly freaked out by the prom-night fantasy sado-masochism of the chihuahua! Westminster has got it all.

Serves you right, marketing whores

2009-02-10T14:29:00.003-05:00

Ever since reading an article in the WSJ's marketing section about Wrigley commissioning Chris Brown to write "Forever" as a promotional gimmick for Doublemint gum, I have been complaining to anyone who will listen about how annoying it is that radios and clubs have bought into the ridiculous advertising jingle disguised as a song. Today, however, I am vindicated (sort of):

The company [Wrigley] stopped short of saying it was permanently dropping Brown, but said the allegations were too serious to keep running his ad.
"We have made the decision to suspend the current advertising featuring Brown and any related marketing communications until the matter is resolved," a spokeswoman said.

So, Wrigley is ditching Brown and suspending all advertising featuring the irritating "Forever"--sounds like a win-win, right? Well, sort of. Apparently it's because Brown beat Rihanna up pretty badly, and not because his song sucks, that Wrigley is halting the marketing campaign. Wow. That's heavy stuff. But it serves you right, Wrigley! Trying to fool music fans into buying your gum... for shame. It's Fruit Stripe and Fruit Stripe only for me from now on!

I <3 NY (and the NYTimes)

2009-02-10T14:02:00.002-05:00

The NYTimes posted a totally adorable photo series by a guy named Christoph Neimann last week and in case you missed it the link is below.

I LEGO N.Y.

Everything from the Whitney to cream cheese with scallions to a plastic bag stuck in a tree branch, in simple yet elegant Lego form. Awwww.

Umm.. Cultural Differences?

2009-01-24T21:15:00.003-05:00

Check out this clip from the Japanese version of American Idol. I'm not sure what to say... ummm... oh, those wacky Chinamen!

Fox News, Post react predictably to swearing-in mishap

2009-01-22T13:11:00.003-05:00

After Justice Roberts' flub during Tuesday's inaugural swearing-in ceremony, the media exploded in supposition, prognostication, and various forms of mongering. Fox News and the NY Post, as ever, lead the pack in ridiculousness:

The New York Post offered this headline: "Roberts is the Oaf of Office."

And Fox News anchor Chris Wallace said: "We're wondering here whether or not Barack Obama in fact is the president of the United States. They had a kind of garbled oath. It's just conceivable that this will end up going to the courts."

The "Oaf" of Office? Hahaha! Another quality zinger from the people who brought us "Chuck Knobloch-head". And Chris Wallace wondering whether Obama is really the president, despite that the Oath is merely ceremony and Obama officially became president at noon without it? That is soooo Fox News. Aaaahhhh, I feel safe and secure in the knowledge that some things will never change.

Breakingviews read my MIND (or my post)

2009-01-21T16:55:00.002-05:00

Remember when I hinted that Rising Unemployment could just be this season's #1 video game hit? Well, Breakingviews must have read my post, because they took my idea and ran with it, albeit in a slightly different direction:

How fast can you lose $50bn? To lighten the winter gloom, we’ve brought you the “Bernie Madoff game”. Pretend you are running a Ponzi scheme. Decide the fictional return you want to promise investors, how much to siphon off for yourself and how long to let the scam run. Then watch the losses mount.

The game itself is a little dull, just a few numbers plugged into a spreadsheet, but its simplicity is startling. All you do is set a return level, plug in losses/disbursements, and watch the losses mount. Really, anyone can do it! Although you probably shouldn't... Thx to DealBook for the tip.

Merchandising history

2009-01-14T14:02:00.003-05:00

Given the recent economic slowdown and all the hubbub about how decreasing consumption will lead us into a deep recession, thank goodness for the upcoming inauguration and our culture's crazy obsession with merchandising crap!! NYTimes sheds some light on a few "non-traditional" commemorative items:

Obama sex toys, which will not be described here, are available for $34.95 at one online company. At another, I ♥ Obama Classic Thong Undies are selling for $8.99.

Actually, those aren't the only Obama thongs you can buy. Here you can find a full list of graphical liberal underwear and links to their purchasing websites. In my opinion, they look a little cheap. I was more looking for a thong with the front part being a cut-out of Obama's head, and maybe the back being a full body replica of GWB... but what can you do.

And meow back to John in the newsroom

2009-01-12T14:47:00.003-05:00

Check out this weatherguy! After enduring decades of cat-free weather reporting, he decided to end the oppression:

I like how he not only picks the cat up, but also nuzzles him quite overtly. Me-ow is right. You go, weatherguy!

Thx CuteOverload; you're the bestest. Heart!

Remember these guys?

2009-01-12T11:49:00.003-05:00

Last night while watching a National Geographic Channel documentary on the "new" Black Panthers (in HD! yeaaaahh!), I was reminded of some other aggressively anti-white crusaders from my past. Remember "Real Jews are Black"???

They don't come to the Upper East Side anymore. I guess it's true what they say: you can never really go home again :( :( :(.

Unemployment hits 16-year high

2009-01-09T11:23:00.006-05:00

Well, that's depressing news. But just how bad is it? The NYTimes provides a lovely slideshow on its front page to help us understand the crisis:

I gotta say... Rising Unemployment looks like a kinda cool video game. Down we go! Weeee! Which exciting boss will we encounter once we reach the employment dungeon? Recessionary Koopa? Or will it be the evil Depression von Koopa? Graphics make unemployment fun!!

Road to the Doghouse

2009-01-07T09:33:00.003-05:00

On yesterday's Daily Show, which was technically Monday's Daily Show (I DVR it.. who stays up past 11pm?), Jon Stewart introduced a new segment entitled "Road to the Doghouse" about choosing the new first pup. CNN anchor Anderson Cooper (swoon) hosted the first Puppedential Debate:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Road to the Doghouse - Puppedential Debate

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

The Huffinton Post reports that this was an actual CNN skit, and that Stewart simply excerpted and mocked it on the show. However, a search of CNN.com turns up no results for "puppedential debate" and Stewart clearly states during that clip that "we got Anderson Cooper to do that". Check your sources next time, Huffington! Who's the #1 blogger now, bitchessss?????

Erickson to Burris: No Senate seat for you!

2009-01-05T14:50:00.006-05:00

In Totally Obvious News, Secretary of the Senate Nancy Erickson has rejected Roland Burris' appointment to the Senate. (In case you don't already know, Burris is the guy selected by Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich to replace Obama in the Senate, and Blagojevich is being charged with trying to sell that seat to the highest bidder. Geez, am I really your only news source??) Hilariously, though, none of these developments phase Burris in the least.

What has been done here is legal. That's legal. I am the junior senator from Illinois, and I wish my colleagues and the press would recognize that," [Burris] said.

He said he plans to appear at the chamber door Tuesday, even though he expects to be denied entry.

Burris said he was surprised by all of the controversy surrounding the appointment.

Now I'm no fancy, big-city politician, but something about this story just doesn't make sense to me. How could Burris possibly be surprised by the controversy? The reason Erickson couldn't seat him is because the Illinois Secretary of State, Jesse White, refused to sign the certificate of appointment. And Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (the majority leader, for goshssakes!) called the appointment "tainted". So either Burris a. isn't up on his political news (probably a disqualification) or b. is an idiot (definitely a disqualification). So what's it gonna be, B?

Joan Rivers reflects on Madoff scandal

2009-01-05T14:32:00.002-05:00

We've all heard about the Madoff scandal and the people whose lives it has touched/ruined, but it took yesterday's NYTimes Magazine interview with Joan Rivers to explain what it really means.

Rivers: I’m pleading with you, please say, “She lost a bundle with Bernie Madoff.”
NYT: Did you?
Rivers: No, but everybody is walking around now saying that, and that shows that you used to be very rich.

So look on the bright side, people! Losing millions of dollars in a pyramid scheme can be a good thing! At least you had millions of dollars, which is more than most of us can say, you (formerly) rich (probably) greedy bastard. Thx to Daily Intel for the tip.

I'm Baaaaaack

2009-01-05T10:09:00.003-05:00

Hello, my little bloglings! Did you miss me while I was on vacay? I know, I know. It's tough when your favorite blogger takes some time off. Fortunately, absolutely nothing happened while I was gone, so you didn't miss anything! Phewph.

Well, I'm back now. So... news: Commence!

Oooooh, Foxy!

2008-12-23T12:03:00.005-05:00

PBS re-aired an awesome Nature special last night called "Christmas in Yosemite" and I was miraculously able to find my favorite segment, "Outfoxed", on YouTube. It is below.

Apparently he is hunting for mice under the snow, and he identifies their locations only by sound, without the benefit of sight. He's pretty good at it, too, as you can see at the end ("mmm mouse, munchmunchmunch" -fox). Awwwww... circle of life.

BTW, I already submitted it to CuteOverload, so don't even try it!

Brrrr it's cold out here...

2008-12-17T14:50:00.004-05:00

...there must be a network of pipes containing coolant in the at-mos-phere!

Hmmmm, okay that one was a stretch. But seriously, you could be saying this exact phrase in the future if you find yourself massively wealthy and staying at the new Palazzo Versace in Dubai.

Versace, the renowned fashion house, is to create the world’s first refrigerated beach so that hotel guests can walk comfortably across the sand on scorching days.

The beach will be next to the the new Palazzo Versace hotel which is being built in Dubai where summer temperatures average 40C and can reach 50C.

The beach will have a network of pipes beneath the sand containing a coolant that will absorb heat from the surface.

The swimming pool will be refrigerated and there are also proposals to install giant blowers to waft a gentle breeze over the beach.

FINALLY rich people can control the weather directly, rather than just spritzing themselves with Evian from an aerosol can and relying on the unreliable cooling effects of evaporation. Although I have to admit this new revolution seems a bit poorly timed, what with the recent increase in focus on environmentalism and the recent decline in numbers of rich people (Madoff, I'm looking at you). Oh well, F it, pass me the tanning oil and a sweater, I'm off to the UAE! Thanks, Times Online!

George Bush shoe-dodging video

2008-12-16T14:06:00.004-05:00

I usually try not to post about things you've already seen a gabajillion times, but the George Bush shoe-throwing incident really warrants a comment. When I first read about this story on Monday, I cycled through a full range of emotions and opinions.

One: haha, awesome.
Two: hey actually, that's pretty disrespectful, bad move.
Three: okay perhaps it was disrespectful, but it was a non-violent way to protest the U.S. occupation of Iraq and get the media to pay attention for once.
And finally, Four (after watching the actual video, posted below): holy shit, he throw that shoe hard! Non-violent, my ass! It would've broken Bush's nose if he hadn't ducked with the reflexes of a wack-a-mole! Haha, awesome.

New widget added

2008-12-12T11:15:00.003-05:00

Fuck you, stock ticker. All you bring is bad news and shame. You are formally replaced as my top right-hand widget. Loyal blog-readers, I bring you: the Daily Puppy widget!!!

Now say it with me: "aaaawwwww!!!!!"

WSJ now peddling schadenfreude

2008-12-10T13:09:00.006-05:00

Not to overuse the term, which has gotten more than enough play in the past few months, but a new, front-page column in the WSJ is practically screaming schadenfreude.

It's called "The Fallen", and it's described by the paper as a series highlighting, "the declining fortunes of leading business figures." And in case you're more of a visual learner, it is accompanied by a little picture of a red arrow zig-zagging upwards before dropping precipitously to zero.

I mean, this is a paper that carries advertisements for 50-year old scotch and hundred-thousand dollar watches. Its target audience doesn't typically like to read about how many rich businessmen are failing these days. These people are those rich businessmen. Or should I say, were...

Treasury yields go negative

2008-12-09T17:49:00.002-05:00

For years to come, municipal bond traders and other industry followers will tell their children and grandchildren the harrowing tale of The Day Treasury Yields Turned Negative.

Four-week notes traded at a yield of zero while three-month notes went for 99 cents on the dollar. For you non-finance types, that means that investors bought billions of dollars of bonds today that were guaranteed to lose them money. As the NYTimes puts it:

The news sends a sobering signal: in this environment, losing only a small amount of money on an investment is tantamount to coming out ahead.

Hello, Tuesday afternoon

2008-12-09T14:13:00.006-05:00

Well I haven't posted in a while (four days, that's a long time for me). Basically it's because nothing interesting is happening. Please note that the below things do not interest me:

- Riots in Greece
- Illinois governor in corruption scandal
- Auto bailout approved
- 9/11 terrorists plead guilty
- Dow up above 9k
- Julian Schnabel on 60 Minutes (okay I did watch this, but I didn't feel the need to post about it since I assumed everyone already knew)

However! Today I discovered that some real news has in fact been happening, and it's been going on right under my nose (or, rather, under some really good lighting and ampere waists)! Oprah is fat again!

In the [January issue of "O"] magazine, out Tuesday, the talk-show queen says she now weighs 200 pounds and has fallen off the wagon when it comes to healthy living.

This weight gives Oprah a BMI of 31.8, making her technically obese. That's what you get for discontinuing "O at Home"!! Karma's a bitch, baby!!

Back to the future

2008-12-05T14:35:00.002-05:00

Flashback alert! It's 1995 again and O.J.'s back, but this time with a twist:

A Las Vegas judge sentenced fallen gridiron great O.J. Simpson to at least 15 years in prison for leading an armed confrontation last year at a Las Vegas hotel room over sports memorabilia.

Simpson could become eligible for parole in about nine years. Grimacing, Simpson was escorted from the courtroom in shackles.

Judge Jackie Glass gave Simpson a tongue-lashing before passing sentence.

"Earlier in this case, at a bail hearing, I said to Mr. Simpson I didn't know if he was arrogant, ignorant or both," Glass said. "During the trial and through this proceeding I got the answer, and it was both."

She stressed that the sentence was not "payback for anything else," apparently referring to Simpson's acquittal 13 years ago in the slayings of his former wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend, Ron Goldman.

Snap, Judge Jackie Glass. He's already been convicted and sentenced to at leaset 15 years jail, but why don't you just rub it in a little? I've always thought it was funny how judges get to just dis on the defendant like that for no reason. If I ever wanted to become a judge, that would definitely be the reason why.

Brace yourself for a great blog post!

2008-12-03T17:18:00.005-05:00

CNN, you slay me. Where do you find this shit, seriously? Today we learn of high school teacher Tom Farber, who has begun selling ads on his calculus exams in an effort to raise extra cash for school expenses. An example:

You'd think Mr. Farber would get a lot of flack for diluting the purity of the educational process, bargaining his students' future for a buck, etc. etc., but parents and school officials have actually been very supportive. Personally, my ire lies not with Farber but with Stephen P. Henry D.M.D. "Brace yourself"? Could you be any lamer???

Detroit sucks so bad even Detroit thinks so

2008-12-03T13:01:00.004-05:00

Yesterday the Big Three automakers returned to Congress to plead their cases once again for federal aid. In case you didn't already realize how much they suck:

GM said it needs an immediate injection of $4 billion to stay afloat until the end of the year, a fact it hadn't before disclosed. In total, the company said it needs $18 billion in loans -- $6 billion more than it said it would need just two weeks ago...

In a conference call with reporters, GM President Frederick "Fritz" Henderson said bankruptcy is not a viable option and the company is focusing solely on securing help from Washington. "There is not a Plan B," he said.

So, basically, the company needs $4 billion just to survive a single month. That must be some sort of record. And if for some crazy reason the government decides to put that money to better use, like say, by burning it, then GM's brilliant management team is out of ideas.

So what do regular ole Detroiters think of this plan? Apparently, they think it sucks, too:

John Raterink, a tool and machine maker who works at a small shop in Grand Rapids that supplies parts to the auto industry, opposes a bailout even though his livelihood is tethered to the car makers. Mr. Raterink, 46, points a finger at the Big Three for a lot of economic misery: "If I have to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, I hope G.M. faces that same reality."

In all fairness that dude is probably in the minority, but still. When even you think that you suck, it's time to move on.

Tina Fey in Vanity Fair

2008-12-02T11:05:00.002-05:00

I don't get Vanity Fair, because I don't pay for stuff, but I do read blogs that occassionally give me snippets of its content. Tina Fey is the subject of this month's cover story, which includes an interview with her husband and an explanation of that scar on her left cheek:

[A] stranger slashed Fey's face when she was 5 years old...the incident occurred in the front yard of her house.

She said it felt like someone marking her face with a pen. That's one tough-ass five-year-old, I tell you what.

Save Venice

2008-12-01T17:04:00.004-05:00

Venice is totally fucked. Sorry, guys, but look at it:

That is the Piazza San Marco, a tourist- and pigeon-favorite, covered in knee-high (disgusting) seawater. The tide peaked at 61 inches (over 5 feet!), the fourth highest on record. They couldn't even put out those little walkways because the water was so high they would have floated away. Well, Venetians, you better start praying that all this global warming is followed by another Ice Age. Free skating, woooo!!!

Success!

2008-12-01T15:17:00.001-05:00

Woohoo! Hillary has accepted the Secretary of State offer! So all my research into the voodoo practices of the African diaspora wasn't in vain!

He shoots... he scores!!

2008-12-01T11:31:00.008-05:00

I love when I first read a story in the NYTimes, and I'm like, "okay, whatever," but then I read the same story in the NYPost and it suddenly takes on a whole new dimension. Example: while it was the NYTimes that officially informed me of Giants star Plaxico Burress' arrest, it was the NYPost that gave me the juicy (and hilarious) details:

- The incident occurred at midtown club Latin Quarter, "where workers allowed Burress inside with the gun, let him leave without calling authorities, and even had an employee place the gun in the glove compartment of Pierce's Cadillac Escalade"

- Burress was treated at "New York-Cornell Hospital, where he gave his name as Harris Smith, saying he'd been shot at an Applebee's restaurant. Nonetheless, hospital workers recognized him as Plaxico Burress, sources said, and the gunshot was not reported, as required by law."

- Burress "will be slapped with a felony gun charge and plead not guilty"

How do you plead not guilty to gun possession after you shoot yourself?!?! Is he going to use an existential defense??? "I didn't possess the gun, I was possessed by it." Oooooh. Deep.

Go Dow, It's Your Birthday, Go Dow

2008-11-24T17:05:00.001-05:00

+5%! So the credit crisis is over now, right????

Dancing Lizard

2008-11-21T13:55:00.002-05:00

Teehee, animals are funny. Check out this rockin' lizardo:

Thanks for the tip, Cute Overload! Oh and I read a fun factoid in the comments that may interest you lizard luvahs: these guys are biologically "programmed" to dance like that; it tricks predators (because it makes them look like a leaf flowing in the wind). Cool!

Adieu, W

2008-11-20T11:54:00.003-05:00

Breaking: the MTA has just announced its crazy-ridiculous service cuts and fare hikes that are sure to have all NY commuters in a tizzy. Yipes.

Faced with its most severe financial crisis since the 1970s, the Metropolitan Transportation Authority announced plans on Thursday to drastically cut service on its subways, buses and commuter railroads starting in the spring and to impose a 23 percent increase in fare and toll revenue beginning June 1 and another 5 percent increase in 2011.

For New York City Transit, the biggest component of the authority, the deficit-closing plan would eliminate the W and Z subway lines; eliminate service on the M line to Bay Parkway in Brooklyn; shorten the route of the G line, which will permanently stop at Court Square in Long Island City, Queens, instead of 71st and Continental Avenues in Forest Hills, Queens; lower the frequency of most letter-line trains to every 10 minutes from every 8 minutes on weekends; lower the frequency of all trains to every 30 minutes from every 20 minutes from 2 to 5 a.m.; eliminate overnight bus service on 25 routes; and eliminate the X27 and X28 express-bus lines.

Mr. Sander said the route alterations “will result in extra transfers, longer travel times, longer wait times and longer walking time.” Trains would be more crowded. Subway cars would be cleaned less frequently. Station booths would be closed. Bus service would be cut back on weekends and at nights. The express-bus fare would rise to $7.50 from $5. The cost of the Access-a-Ride paratransit service for disabled riders would rise.

Not the W!! But I love the W! It is the train that transformed the boring N/R into the snappy N/R/W! What will fill that void now??

A bit of levity, courtesy of Bentley

2008-11-20T10:29:00.005-05:00

I seriously have to stop reading the Wall Street Journal. It is just too depressing. What I should be reading is the NY Daily News. Now there's a paper with real reporting. Like today's top story about Bentley, the car-driving dog:

http://www.nydailynews.com/ny_local/2008/11/19/2008-11-19_dog_takes_car_for_run_and_crashes_into_l.html

Awwww. This story has everything: adventure, danger, fur! And the best part: no one even cared that he wrecked the coffee shop! Because it was just sooooo cute. Too bad Paulson's not a dog--it could really soften the blow of that bailout thing.

FUCK THE DOW

2008-11-20T09:09:00.000-05:00

That is all.

#1 Threat to America: PIRATES!!!!

2008-11-19T12:47:00.004-05:00

Editor's note: In no way do I condone piracy or other forms of violence. That being said, arrrr!!! Shiver me timbers!! This post be about the skyrocketing number of pirate attacks happening recently. Avast, I'm totally serious.

I'd heard about a few earlier in the year, most recently the well-publicized hijacking of a Saudi oil ship, but it wasn't until today that I learned the full extent of the epidemic. The WSJ has a little graph showing the number of attacks Jan-Sept of this year vs last year, and the 2008 number is SEVEN TIMES greater than the 2007 one (31 vs. 199).

Ahoy, mateys! We must band together to fight the scourge o' these ne'er-do-well cads! Yo-ho!

Kudos to India for getting the ball rolling.

Mouse Patrol

2008-11-18T15:04:00.004-05:00

Guess what! My webcam came in the mail yesterday! Yay!!!!

I had completely forgotten that I had even bought it, since it was kind of an impulse buy and I tend to lose interest in things like that very quickly, but receiving the package yesterday totally reignited my passion for lifecasting. You can view our channel below; it's called "Mouse Patrol":

Watch live video from Three's Company on Justin.tv

I describe it thusly: imagine if Modest Mouse and Snow Patrol came together, and then pointed a webcam at my stove. Kinda like that!

My crush on Joel McHale continues...

2008-11-18T14:36:00.003-05:00

Clips like this are why I love Joel McHale. He knows that you don't watch TRL (it's not 1999 anymore) and so you probably missed this fan reprising his 2000 dancing debut in honor of TRL's last episode. So he brings it to you, in the form of the Clip of the Week:

Thanks, Joel! What gym does he go to????

A friendly gift? Or something more?

2008-11-18T14:15:00.006-05:00

Tyra "kiss my fat ass" Banks has given the gift of true femininity to Isis King, whom you may remember as Top Model's very first publicity stunt--I mean, transgendered contestant. The penis-ectomy normally costs between 20 and 35K, but Tyra has arranged for it to be performed pro-bono (but I thought it was anti-bono! Hahahaha, okay I'm done).

http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2008/11/17/2008-11-17_tyra_banks_gives_top_model_contestant_is.html

Now she can ace those pool photo shoots! Just like Tyra...

Nebraska hates children

2008-11-14T16:09:00.005-05:00

I read about this story a couple of days/weeks back in the WSJ, but I didn't take it quite seriously. I mean the WSJ always has that weird column about like the Olive Garden and snowmobiling and random shit like that, so I kinda figured it was just another one of those. Oh, but I was wrong!

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/11/14/nebraska.safe.haven/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

So apparently Nebraska really has had a rash of child abandonments since passing a "safe haven" law intended for babies, and it really is stuck with a whole mess o' kids it doesn't know what to do with. Note that we're not talking about two or three here: the state has now received thirty-four abandoned children, most of which are teenagers, coming from as far away as Florida.

Jeez. Imagine the confusion of the fourteen-year-old from Miami upon realizing that dad's surprise trip to Nebraska really wasn't about showing him the new "Omaha Disney". Sorta funny... but also really, really f'ed up...

You go girl!

2008-11-14T12:38:00.004-05:00

Hill's back, bitches! Almost-President-elect Hillary Clinton is reportedly being considered for the top job, Secretary of State, in Actual-President-elect Obama's administration.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/11/14/transition.wrap/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

After a short review of the order of presidential succession on Wikipedia, I learned that if Hill is selected, she will be, as they say, just "three heartbeats away" from the highest office in our nation. Although that's pretty darn close, it's still behind the President pro tempore of the Senate, and who has any idea what the fuck that is?

While I conduct some further Wikipedia research, I encourage you all to light your ceremonial Hillary Clinton candles, join the hands of your Hillary and Barack voodoo dolls, and sing your pro-Hillary chants (Hiiiiiiillary, humanumhumanumhumanumhumanum, Hiiiiiillary....)--I think we've got a real shot this time!

Martin Eisenstadt: "I am not a hoax" [Nixon-esque jowl jiggle]

2008-11-13T15:45:00.005-05:00

We all knew that Sarah Palin wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, or the sharpest tool in the shed, or even the shiniest marble in the marble bag, but not knowing that Africa was a continent? Come on. That almost unbelievable claim raised more than a few eyebrows, and as it turns out, for good reason.

Martin Eisenstadt, the supposed McCain advisor and senior fellow at the Harding Institute who leaked this and other "inside information" to the press, is today revealed by the NYTimes to be nothing more than a publicity hoax. The story is here:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/13/arts/television/13hoax.html?em

Interestingly, however, Mr. Eisenstadt has a blog, on which he asserts his existence and claims that he is emphatically NOT a hoax. Huh????

http://www.eisenstadtgroup.com/

What is this world coming to. If we can't believe in blogs, what can we believe in???

Puppies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-11-13T10:58:00.003-05:00

Aaaawwwwwwwww look at zee leetle furballs. Woof woof, snarl, bite, sleeeeeeep....

Jeb is short for... ?? ...Jebremy?

2008-11-12T10:23:00.003-05:00

Daily Intel today introduces us to the newest hunk of Treasury eye candy.. and his name is Jeb!

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2008/11/well_hello_mr_treasury-man.html

Well, Jeb, I'd say the country is safe in your strong, rough hands. Looks like Paulson is going to have some competition in this year's Treasury's Sexiest Man contest...

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2008/09/breaking_secretary_hank_paulso.html

Today's WSJ opinion page

2008-11-11T15:13:00.004-05:00

If you get the WSJ, definitely check out their opinion page today. It's a real hoot.

Note that when I say "check out", by no means am I suggesting you actually read it. Oh no; that would be a complete waste of time. Just look at it. And laugh.

All the pieces are organized under the heading "What Does the GOP Do Next?" and clearly show the confusion and disorganization of the current Republican party. Even the page is laid out poorly. It looks like a tetris board of conservative whining.

You can check out the articles, without the funky positioning, here:

http://online.wsj.com/public/page/news-opinion-commentary.html

I'm having trouble picking a favorite, but it's definitely between the one claiming that Republicans "speak to people's hopes and aspirations" (hahahahahahhahahah oh god I think I'm choking ahahahahsdklfja;sldkfja;sdf) and "What Would Reagan Do".

The ironing is delicious

2008-11-11T13:55:00.004-05:00

Goldman Sachs, a major underwriter of bonds for the state of California, is now advising some of its trading partners to short those bonds which it previously sold. An excerpt from an article in the LA Times:

Goldman, Sachs & Co. urged some of its big clients to place investment bets against California bonds this year despite having collected millions of dollars in fees to help the state sell some of those same bonds...

Some experts said the investment bank's actions, while not illegal, might be inappropriate. "That's not a good way to do business," said Geoffrey M. Heal, professor of public policy and business responsibility at Columbia University. "They've got a conflict of interest and they're acting against the interest of their customers. . . . You act in the interests of your clients. You don't screw them, to put it bluntly."

OOOOOHHHHH. No he di'nt!! NO. HE. DI'. NT. "Screw"?! HA. Give 'em Hell, Heal!

http://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-goldman11-2008nov11,0,1943014.story?dbk

Samantha to CNN: Stop publishing weird fucking stories

2008-11-11T10:35:00.006-05:00

WTF, CNN? Is it not enough that every time I open my browser I have to see a stock chart and, by implication, a reminder of how worthless my savings are; now I have to read your ridiculous headlines, too? Today's top story:

Holocaust survivors to Mormons: Stop baptisms of dead Jews

I mean, really. Who needs that?

Although.. I guess it is interesting.. in a bizarre and scary kind of way. Fine, CNN. Fine. You win this round. Touche. Assholes.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/11/11/baptizing.dead.jews.ap/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

Poll: Americans [still] hate President Bush [but now even more than before]

2008-11-10T17:06:00.003-05:00

Speaks for itself...

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/11/10/bush.transition.poll/index.html

The all-time low on the public's mood may have something to do with the poll's finding that President Bush is the most unpopular president since approval ratings were first sought more than six decades ago. Seventy-six percent of those questioned in the poll disapprove of how he is handling his job.

That's an all-time high in CNN polling and in Gallup polling dating back to World War II.

"No other president's disapproval rating has gone higher than 70 percent. Bush has managed to do that three times so far this year," Holland said. "That means that Bush is now more unpopular than Richard Nixon was when he resigned from office during Watergate with a 66 percent disapproval rating."

Hahahahaha

2008-11-10T16:55:00.002-05:00

Today, Deutsche Bank equity analyst Rod Lache cut his 12-month price target for GM stock to zero, causing shares to plummet to a 59-year low.

http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=aF2FlgNCR5jg&refer=home

Shit... ZERO? I didn't even know you could do that! GM sure does suck. They just plain suck. I've seen companies suck before, but they are the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!

Barclays Capital and Buckingham Research, ever the glass-half-full optimists, only cut their price targets to $1.

Out of the frying pan into the fryer / rock and a hard place / damned if you do, damned if you don't / etc.

2008-11-07T15:07:00.003-05:00

Shit just keeps getting worse. GM disclosed today (Friday) that it has suspended merger talks with Chrysler indefinitely, due to its deteriorating cash position. Chrysler, owned by Cerberus, is still single-and-looking, but the likelihood of it finding a suitor is unclear.

http://dealbook.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/11/07/gm-suspends-merger-talks-with-chrysler/

We've all heard this tale before. It's the classic love story. Boy meets girl, boy proposes to girl, boy drops out of merger talks due to deteriorating cash position... poor Chrysler. Don't worry, hun; you keep your head up. You'll find him eventually!

How to make money in the stock market without really trying

2008-11-07T13:21:00.005-05:00

A funny thing happened on the way to the NYSE trading floor. The United States had its worse two-month job loss since 2001. A sign of an impending recession? Perhaps one that has already begun? No, apparently. Not according to equity traders, at least, who are, in the words of the NYTimes, "not letting a barrage of grim economic news get them down."

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/08/business/08markets.html?hp

Awwww. Well isn't that nice? The economy may suck shit, but the equity values of the companies that operate in that economy are rising because if they didn't traders would be sad. :( :( :( And we've all seen enough photos of distressed traders to know what an awful tragedy that would be. (At least I have, but if you just can't ever get enough then I recommend this blog: http://sadguysontradingfloors.tumblr.com/)

You want 'em, I got 'em

2008-11-06T10:00:00.004-05:00

Apparently, despite its boring, Schnabel-free coverage, NYTimes issues from November 5, 2008 are a hot commodity these days.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/11/06/obama.newspapers.ap/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

Well, guess what: I've got TWO of 'em. Muahahahaha! I'm rich! Rich, I tell you!!!!

I plan to use my new windfall to quit my job and buy a tropical island, perhaps Puerto Rico or that nice archipelago in the Pacific.. what's it called.. ah yes, Hawaii. Now accepting applications for monkey butlers.

It's easy to miss Russia, all tucked away down there...

2008-11-06T09:37:00.004-05:00

Evidently the NYTimes' Page Six isn't *quite* the same as the NYPost's. It just doesn't have the same cache, if you know what I mean. That's why they stick all the boring stories there. Like this one, from today's paper.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/06/world/europe/06russia.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1&hp

It's called "Russia Warns of Missile Deployment". Booooooring. Russia? Russia who? Who gives a fuck about that washed-up oligarchy? I want to hear about today's nuclear divas--Pakistan, North Korea, Iran--you know, the real celebrities.

And Schnabel. You can never have too much Schnabel.

Obama wins in least climactic election night in recent history

2008-11-05T11:15:00.003-05:00

Well, Obama won last night. No big surprise there. And although watching the election results was uniquely boring, since Obama's win was basically a foregone conclusion, I have to say that, frankly, I'm pretty excited about it.

I am most encouraged by Obama's background as a community organizer in inner-city Chicago. The political discourse in this country almost never touches America's cities, with their high crime rates, failing schools and, oh yeah, btw, most of the population. Now we finally have a president who understands the problems plagueing our metropolitan areas and may actually pay a small amount of attention to them (not that you'd know it from the shots of flowing grain and suburban streets that graced his infomercial, but whatev). So I'm hopeful about that.

I'm also happy for black people because, come on, they don't usually get a break in this country and they deserve it. Throw them a bone; let them have one president. We've had oodles of them and we'll probably have oodles more--we can spare it.

And although from a personal perspective a Democratic president probably isn't in my "best interest", I really do think that the liberal ideology is best-suited for the country as a whole. While listening to the selfish idiots who make 60K a year rant about how their taxes are going to go up, I was reminded of an interview Stephen Colbert did about a week ago with Sherman Alexie. Below please find a video and a choice quote from Mr. Alexie. It's very JFK-Ask not what your country can do for you-esque. Enjoy... and celebrate... after eight years, we've earned it.

McCain is great for Indians...but he's bad for the country. Unlike other groups of people...we Indians vote for the good of everybody and not just for the good of our little group.

Affleck's hilarious Olbermann impression

2008-11-04T14:09:00.009-05:00

This clip will definitely resonate with anyone who watches Countdown. No matter how liberal you may be, you've gotta admit that Keith Olbermann is kind of a nut job. I mean, let's just be real here, if he weren't involved in politics he really would spend the entire show railing on his neighbors and on that guy who works at the deli in the grocery store who charged him for a whole pound of turkey but only gave him 0.97 lbs. THE BASTARD!!!

Good humor on Olbermann's part for showing it on last night's show, although by conspicuously mentioning Affleck's "apology" letter immediately afterwards he basically confirmed the accuracy of whole skit. And congrats to Ben Affleck for an awesome and impressively long impersonation (no teleprompter, cue cards only, wow).

Election Day

2008-11-04T09:48:00.010-05:00

GO VOTE, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!

And when you're done, make sure to party up with ironically-themed drinks and snackums. I've compiled a list of suggestions, some original and some stolen from more clever people.

1. "Fundamentally strong" drinks
a. McCain Campaign on the rocks
b. Joe the Plummer (plum-favored)
2. Mav-ritz crackers
3. Pigs in a blanket, with "lipstick" dipping sauce
4. Nachos (okay, these aren't really themed, but so so tasty)

"Well, I mean... specifically?"

2008-10-31T10:00:00.002-04:00

Oh, Jeebus. When Fox News starts turning against white, bigoted, middle-Americans, you KNOW something big is happening. Thanks to the Daily Show for the tip...

Now I vowed to never say this, but desperate times call for desperate measures: Fox News, I agree!!

Sinewy, Human-Shaped Agglomerations of Muscle Overtake NYC Streets!

2008-10-30T15:04:00.006-04:00

Aaaaahhh! They're here! And they've got spandex!!!! No, this isn't some terrifying Halloween prank. It's the 50th Annual New York City Marathon! Yayayayayay!

If you've never watched it before, in person or on television, I highly recommend tuning in this Sunday, November 2nd, at 9AM. Although it might sound boring to watch people run for 2+ hours, it's actually an incredible sight. Not only are they going so fucking fast, but they're going so fucking fast for TWENTY-SIX MILES. You can check out the marathon's homepage here:

http://www.nycmarathon.org/

And, for your viewing pleasure, the final moments of the 2005 marathon, which just happened to have been the closest marathon in history. Notice how the second-place finisher collapses at the end. Ouch.

"90 days, and the marriage is over"

2008-10-30T13:21:00.002-04:00

Props to Stephen Colbert for sharing this glorious clip with the world. Without his help (and CNN's) this gem of a story would be languishing in Tennessee's cesspool of local news. Umm.. I mean, I assume it's a cesspool. I guess I don't really know. What's a cesspool, anyway? Sounds gross though, right? Yeah, okay then. Carry on.

Uh oh. I smell another cheap cartoon crossover...

2008-10-30T13:13:00.003-04:00

Homer Simpson, meet Don Draper:

Hehehe. Funny!

Fed cuts benchmark rate; I go, "huh?"

2008-10-29T14:39:00.006-04:00

So everyone was expecting the Fed to cut the Fed Funds rate today, and surprise! It did, by half a percentage-point, to the bargain-basement level of one percent. I mean it's nice and all that the Dow went up a bajillion points yesterday, but I wonder if cutting interest rates is really the solution to this problem. First off, is it really going to do anything? The Fed has been lowering rates for the past 18 months and so far, nothin'. Why would it make a difference now?

Secondly, if easy credit was what contributed to the housing bubble in the first place, then isn't lowering rates back to the levels of '03 and '04 just history repeating itself? If this rate cut did actually work, which nobody really thinks it will, then wouldn't that be a bad thing?

And what's the deal with today's WSJ front-page article raising the specter of deflation? DE-flation? Weren't we talking about rapidly rising commodities and food prices like.. two weeks ago? I know oil has come down from its nausea-inducing heights, but it still costs over twice as much a barrel than it did only five short years ago. And don't even get me started on eggs.

Sometimes I think that Ben and the Maiden Lane Boys (my cute new nickname for the Fed, good right?) have just gotten lazy and are falling back on a tried and true, although unfortunately useless, tactic. Remember what happened to Japan, Ben!

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/30/business/economy/30fed.html?hp

Well, it depends on how you define "legacy"...

2008-10-28T17:14:00.004-04:00

Today's New York Times contains an insightful piece about our legal system and its increasingly conservative character. And surprisingly, this discussion focuses not on the Supreme Court (which actually doesn't decide that many cases--who knew?) but rather on the Courts of Appeals scattered throughout the country. These judges, too, are presidential appointees and serve for LIFE. And you thought Bush's "legacy" was the Iraq war! Ha! Wrong again, sucka!

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/29/us/29judges.html?hp

Triumph on the Weather

2008-10-27T16:44:00.005-04:00

A friend sent me this link today.. it's a little outdated but still hilarious. Also, it got me thinking: what has Triumph the Insult Comic Dog been up to lately? I have neither seen nor heard from him in months. Is he even on Conan anymore?? Maybe, but I don't remember the last weeknight I stayed up past 11PM so how would I know. Anyway, without further ado... Triumph Does the Weather:

Triumph Weather Dog - These bloopers are hilarious

Introducing... Barack O' Lantern

2008-10-27T16:10:00.004-04:00

FYI, this was surprisingly easy to do. All you need is two hours, a pumpkin, and a six-pack of beer (optional). Special thanks to YesWeCarve.com for the stencil.

Extra! Extra! Bush endorses McCain!

2008-10-24T10:23:00.005-04:00

You should def watch this clip of George Bush (Will Ferrell) endorsing John McCain (Darrell Hammond) and Sarah Palin (Tina Fey) on Saturday Night Live. It sorta, you know, makes comedy history. Or whatever.

The markets are falling! The markets are falling!

2008-10-24T10:09:00.003-04:00

From CNNMoney:

Markets were so jittery early Friday that the New York Stock Exchange felt it was necessary to post a statement on its blog confirming that trading would open as normal at 9:30 a.m. ET, saying it felt it was necessary to answer widespread rumors that the open would be delayed.
The NYSE also posted updated details of so-called circuit breakers, which would halt trading for certain periods of time if the Dow Jones industrial average falls 1,100 points during the trading day. It said it was posting that information with "the fervent hope we won't need them."

Now wait just a minute. This is crazy! The New York Stock Exchange has a BLOG?!?!

http://money.cnn.com/2008/10/24/markets/stockswatch/index.htm?postversion=2008102406&eref=rss_topstories

Credit analysts are assholes (but you knew that already)

2008-10-23T16:31:00.003-04:00

Check out this article from Bloomberg, describing the soulless employees of Moody's and S&P:

http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=ac8Bkp_7F4Rc&refer=home

Some choice quotes:

Employees at Moody's Investors Service told executives that issuing dubious creditworthy ratings to mortgage-backed securities made it appear they were incompetent or "sold our soul to the devil for revenue,'' according to e-mails obtained by U.S. House investigators.

An e-mail that a S&P employee wrote to a co-worker in 2006, obtained by committee investigators, said, "Let's hope we are all wealthy and retired by the time this house of cards falters.''

A partner at my firm tipped me off, adding that before hitting "send" on an email, one should always ask oneself, "how would this sound in a deposition?" Voicemails, he says, are much harder to track down.

OMGGGGGG

2008-10-23T15:03:00.001-04:00

OMG you guys totally have to check out this link. I can't believe I missed this--it's at the park right next to my house! Grrr, I'll never forgive myself.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/istolethetv/sets/72157608198512965/show/

But you can bet I'll be there next year!

They're obviously pandering to the "Curcibita" lobby...

2008-10-23T13:43:00.004-04:00

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/10/23/political.halloween.irpt/index.html?iref=mpstoryview#cnnSTCPhoto

Numbers 2 & 3 are pretty cool; that shit's hard to do. But, #9... "Obampkin"? That's the best you could come up with, Tyler Martin? Lame. Personally, I prefer "Barack-O-Lantern". (We're carving him this weekend... I'll post pics when he's done).

UPDATE: http://www.yeswecarve.com -- Daily Intel, you've gone done and beat me to it again! (You bastards.)

Alan Greenspan: "What I Have Learned"

2008-10-23T13:15:00.001-04:00

http://video.nytimes.com/video/2008/10/23/business/1194827509979/greenspan-discusses-credit-tsunami.html

Your assignment: compare and contrast this speech with Greenspan's address to the Futures Industry Association in '99 (http://www.federalreserve.gov/boarddocs/speeches/1999/19990319.htm), in which he calls for, "a less burdensome regime for exchange-traded financial derivatives." 5000 word minimum. Go!

Midget Politics

2008-10-23T12:09:00.005-04:00

"Politics makes strange bedfellows," so the saying goes. Witness this YouTube video as evidence.

(Okay, yes I realize this was posted on Friday by the Second-Best Blog Ever, Daily Intel, but in-case-you-missed-it...)